Thursday, October 29, 2009

I'm Going To Do It

Do ya'll know that November is National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). And I'm going to participate. You should too, and be my buddy!

So that probably means that Sally will be on another break again, as I put a lot of time and effort into my fantasy novel, the one that has inspired me to start writing again in the first place which then prompted me to practice my writing skills with Sally. See so it's all important and connected.

Here is my NaNo profile: click me! and that is it for now. I promise I've got Sally mostly mapped out from here I just got to find the time to get it typed up and posted. But that is stressful so instead I'm going to push myself to be crazy and get 50K words about a world I have created and I'm a bit scared! Here goes nothing!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Coming Out To Yourself

Okay I keep reading more and I'm just going to post this. The plan was to post it for National Coming Out Day (the 11th of this month folks). But I can't wait. Because two of the Read-These I was going to post today have written about it as well. So here goes.

Thank you Two Moms with a Plan for inspiring this. And Thanks to Femme Fairy Godmother who wrote her story too.

Everyone old enough remembers the "Puppy Episode" of Ellen right? When was that? I googled it 1997. I could have sworn it was earlier. I would have been 16-17. Like I said, seems like I was younger, that or I've just gotten too old already. But back to my point. I remember watching the episode. I remember wondering if I too were like her. I dismissed it however and I was merely a tomboy... A nerdy tomboy.

In high school my friends and I were fun people. We did funny things. Somehow the joke became that I was married to my friend Natalie and our little youngin Andrea (she was two years younger than us) was our adopted love child. In a way that is how our strange triangle worked. We were partners in crime and we had both taken little Andi under our wing. Of course it isn't fun without some drama, so Natalie left me for a man and little Andi had to deal with her Moms being divorced and fighting over her. That is how it went. We thought it was funny. I always thought it hit a little close to home. I never really dated, though there was this one guy I hung out with a lot. Most people assumed we were dating, because we went to Prom and all that. Then the joke became that I got married to him. He was nice enough sure, and would have made a great husband (he really would have done anything for me). I would have travelled the world as an Army Wife. But I just couldn't do it. Didn't know why, just knew that it wasn't there.

Then I got to college. I made new friends. There were a few boys who I thought were cute. And I'll admit now I saw a few girls I thought were cute too. I was (inwardly) going through the "I must be bi" phase. This is apparently a common transition for many lesbians. But like I said, it was inward, almost to the point where I wouldn't even admit it. I never did anything to show my interest in girls. It was too risky. I had made a joke with my Mom about my friend from highschool and the reason why we were going to be roommates (we weren't though, but that would have been strange because she was the girl who stole my boyfriend when I was 15). She kind of freaked. My actual roommate made a joke in front of my brother, he freaked too. I took this as a sign. They didn't respond well to jokes, how would they respond to the real thing?

I kept all signs and thoughts hidden. But I should have known. I'd come home during the holidays or extended weekends and my mother would inform me who'd call (as they'd expect I'd be in the area). She'd always list the boys first. Mike and Kurt. "Uh huh, that's nice mom." Then she'd tell me Andi had called. I'd drop whatever I was doing and head for the phone. That is right, that Andi. My supposed "daughter" and I was feeling all Woody Allen for her. Only I didn't know it yet. It wasn't until she came to college too, not the same one as me, but one right near by. Near enough that I could visit and hang out. And I tried, but she was grown up, unavailable and didn't need me anymore. I didn't see her as often as I would have liked.

So one day I'm thinking about it. Like about the bi part. There are two people that I had crushes on. A guy in my classes, he was real cool, but he had a girlfriend (she was cute, but a bitch). And Andi. At the time I would have taken either. Until I had a dream one night. A very vivid, naked, sweaty hot dream. And I thought about it more. Sure I had a crush on the guy but when it came down to what was going down in the dream... I realized I had no interest. So then it was just down to me in the closet, suffering. And drinking... A lot. And attempting to sleep with guys in an effort to deny my true self. I said attempt, luckily in all the drunkenness it never came to be.

So I left the country. But I didn't take advantage of my new start. Instead I sunk deeper. Staying up all hours of the night devouring fan fiction, particularly enjoying the more adult rated stories, and at the same time realizing my dream to write again like I did when I was younger. Also sleeping during the day and missing my classes. To the point where I was teetering on the edge of pass or fail. I saw a counselor. I said "I'm gay" out loud. But that didn't help because I didn't talk. I even had one more night of drunkenness when I woke up with a bloke in my bed (again only an attempt, too drunk to go through it). And I had finally come out to myself. What a mess I was. I had to see a doctor. I got a prescription to help with my depression and anxiety, especially my anxiety. That gave me another test run for my parents. They took the news of me medicating myself fairly well. My dad just wanted me to be happy. Things started to look up.

So I made it back home. Met some nice girls online, and some crazy ones too. Came out to my parents only 11 days after National Coming Out Day, after going to a gay pride film festival the night before (on a date!) and seeing GirlPlay, the scene with Robin and her Mom was very inspirational. And I've already wrote about that day last year (did I post it here? I don't know... might have to do that) so I'll spare the details.

So please, feel free to share. When did you come out to yourself?

And don't forget to Read These (Summer Edition)
1: Two Moms with a Plan - self explanatory
2: Femme Fairy Godmother - self explanatory
3: Canadian Hope - I won't lie, I have dreams of going off to Canada as well. But these two guys had to go in order to be together, as the US has no provisions for sponsoring citizenship if you can't be "properly" married.

Getting Caught Up

I've written up 3 posts this morning (I'm going to give them a look over and then post them). And I've mapped out all the late posts that need to be up to get me back on track for!

I haven't been working on any other stories, or much of anything at the moment. But the cold is starting to creep in and I'll want to find myself curled up on the couch in a blanket with my notebook and a cup of tea.

And hopefully I'll have a Summer edition (now that it is fall!) of Read-These because there are a few things that I found that I need to share!