Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Prompt Me

I used to do poetry this way. Someone give me something to work with. I've been in a bit of a writing funk due to lots and lots of stress. The good news, our Landlady appeared to be doing the inspection, supposedly not looking for a reason to kick us out, but for what things they can do to fix up the place. So either a) we never complained about anything so they were curious as to why (the fridge being the one exception) or b) we've been there 3 years and this is standard. Either way I told her I had applied for jobs out of town so they'll wait on the painting while we wait until one of them contacts me for a job offer.

In other news, not sure if it is good or not. My girlfriend got an email from someone who is a friend of her biological father, saying he is trying to contact her. Yay, as I would like our future child to know more about his/her heritage (whether or not our kid is biologically related to her, which we've been thinking about me carrying her egg, not sure yet, have to figure out if we can afford that route). All I know is her father is from a nomadic tribe in Nigeria. Not so yay, if he calls saying her grandparents have passed on or are sick (she has spoken with them before). Not so yay, if he doesn't accept our relationship and wants nothing to do with her after trying to find her. Not so yay, if he only wishes to buy her love and not really spend time to get to know her (and possibly his future grandchild). But yay if he does stay in her life and has the funds to help with her schooling or whatever. As long as my girlfriend is happy and this turns out to be a good thing then I will be happy. But right now it is making me a bit nuts, nervous and excited.

Also I've lost a few pounds and have been working on getting rid of a few more. If I can get my BMI to 25, that will open up a few doors for me including joining the military (although most people have tried to talk me out of this one, but I'd be a) joining the guard and b) hopefully they'd be getting rid of that pesky DADT before or shortly after), or possibly donating eggs (which would help fund an egg transfer, plus I'd be going through the same people).

But back to the writing. Someone give me a prompt. Give me a few items that are required in my story, whether small plot points or physical objects, song lyrics, whatever you want. I will write a short story (or more than one if I get a few good ones) and post it. So let's have it folks...

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

My Kids (and other issues)

It has been a while since I've checked out the internets. Part of it was because at work I kept bogging down the system watching too much Hulu, or playing games on MSN. Both obviously big no-nos. I purged my facebook of all the stupid little games I became obsessed about, with the exception of Treasure Madness because I don't need to feed anything or collect money to get anywhere. I can play it when I want (and also when it works because sometimes I just can't get into it).

But I read over at Pretty Witty And... about how cats are people too (or not, depending on who you side with). I wanted to take a moment to talk about my kids. Brodie and Gaia. They may be dogs but they are our kids. And I was a bad mother the other night and almost lost Gaia. Because she is deaf I need to keep a better eye on her. So letting her out of the car with deer nearby was not smart and she took off... and I couldn't yell for her to come back. It scared me. She made her way back to the neighbors though where I found her after circling the block.

I've been super stressed. Financially we are struggling, as usual. Wanting to give people things or do things or visit people for the holidays doesn't help. And then we get guilt tripped into feeling bad. But I still need brakes on my car (I really shouldn't be even driving to work they are that bad) and my landlady was making threats when I paid the other half of rent later in the month. Said she was going to do an inspection. Was she bluffing? She hasn't called yet. But the house has been cleaned, top to bottom. My tub is white again. She won't find anything if she is looking for a good excuse to kick us out. Then my girlfriend gets irritated with me because the way I've been cleaning makes her think I'm not worried about the situation. And she also gets irritated with me when I ask her what she wants me to do next. I got a B in my work study in high school okay because I have no initiative. Just tell me what to do and I'll do it. Be very specific please. I should have joined the military.

I still think about that sometimes too. I could join and eventually they'll let me be me and recognize my relationship. But in the meantime we'd at least have extra money. She doesn't think I could do it, and doesn't want me broken down. I'm smart (but weak) I'm not meant for the military supposedly. Of course she'd join even though she is smart because she is also tough. But her flat feet kept her out. I just am looking for something to do that I can enjoy. Or something that is mundane and tedious (and away from a computer) to distract me and make me physically tired so I can sleep well at night instead of my mind being tired from distracting myself with facebook games and hulu. I don't know. I just need something different, or a better attitude. Maybe both.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Sharing in Pictures

You may be following my blog and my tweets. You may even have friended me on facebook. But how much do we really know about each other? Not much. Okay you've read my "coming out to myself story" and read 20 things about me. But know know me? Probably not. And as pointed out by surfxracer it is easy to be honest when "no one that I've physically met reads this."

I have pointed a few friends towards this site (mostly so they could pass it on, especially Lez and the Country, to other lesbians they know) but I really don't think they stop by. At least they haven't told me yet. Also I don't even know if those who were sent by my friends have stopped by.

But I've been in the sharing mood and felt the need add some visualizations to this sharing. I just read over at Lisa and Laura Write that it is Tell the Truth Tuesday. So this kind of works...

This is my baby girl Gaia. She is deaf but has bright blue eyes that see other things that no one else can see, which causes her to bark and scare the hell out of me. She knows hand signals pretty well. I have been a bad mother and haven't gotten her fixed yet. Made even worse by the fact that her father lives with us as well and he isn't fixed either.

This is what she looked like as a puppy. She is one year old this month.

I have travelled the world. The picture I've decided to post is me at the top of Caana at Caracol a large Mayan site in what is now Belize. That was one helluva climb. I had to get a picture to prove I made it to the top.

Yes that is a PEZ shirt.

So there you go. Now you know more randomness about me. And I'm off to work on getting some of Sally's story posted today.

Friday, December 4, 2009

10 More Things

This is for you Dar, 10 things I like about myself...

Feel free to do this yourself. It is a fun exercise.

1. I'm smart. Like hella smart. Seriously.

2. My moments of wit are brilliant, funny and well timed.

3. I give people a chance. There is a story with this one. Back in high school when I was dating this boy who was much older (it didn't work out when I wouldn't sleep with him) and there was this girl I barely knew making very rude comments about me (such as what a little slut I was) unknowingly to my own Mother. By our senior year, we were good friends (and unfortunately because of her often poor attitude I was one of very few friends of hers).

4. I don't judge. Granted I used to, and may occasionally struggle with it (but I'm human right?), but it certainly is in check.

5. I am patient. Another story for this one. This time back in college I had two friends come to visit me and as we were readying ourselves for a night out I was getting frustrated with my contacts or my hair.. Or something. One friend commented to the other "I thought you said she was patient." "Only with everyone else." Okay so being impatient with myself could be considered a bad thing but I'm not dwelling on that here. I'm making a comment that a friend of mine told another friend, who hadn't seen me in a long time, about how patient I was.

6. I'm caring. Go ahead and ask my girlfriend all that I do for her. Actually ask any of my friends and family.

7. I even help out strangers. More so when my girlfriend is around because she is worse than I am. We had picked up this lady last Christmas while in the city and took her shopping to get diapers and stuff for her kids. We always have food in the car and whenever there is a person with a sign we'll give them some food.

8. I love animals. I think I love them more than people sometimes. I wish I could go to the pound and take them all home.

9. I love learning and love it when others learn. I've considered going back to school to be a teacher. I think I'd be a good one.

10. I am an activist. I actually have always been one. Even when my self esteem has been the lowest (high school anyone?) I was always there for the other girls who were even worse off than I was. I like helping people, and by being an activist (whether it gay, or environmental or whatever) I am doing what I can to make the world better. I especially want to make the world better for young girls with low selfesteem and gay kids who have it even worse off sometimes, so they don't have to go through what I did. And who can say anything bad about that?

So there you go folks. Go ahead tell me at least one thing you like about yourself...

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Honest Scrap

Honest Scrap - Holy Crap!
I won an award.
This was sent my way from The Lesser Key and I couldn't be happier. It made my day. I've visited many blogs and seen their little awards on the sidebar and wondered if some day I might have a few of my own. Well this is a start. And it is a cool idea.

So how it works is I have to send this award on to 10 more people who've had some real honest moments in their blog (or that is my interpretation) and as my acceptance speech is give "10 Things about Myself. Which makes me think about my favorite Movie “10 Things I Hate About You” which quickly slipped into “10 things I hate about myself”.

1. I have low self esteem. See, what I said above, quickly slipped into 10 things I hate about myself. No joke. It is a serious problem. I’ve always had it.

2. Not only do I love that movie (Julia Styles anyone? *wink wink nudge nudge*) but I’ve also enjoyed the hell out of the show. Which I was worried when I first saw it was going to come out that it would be horrible without Julia and Heath who totally made the movie. They changed around the idea though (moved it from Seattle to California) and the kids were the ones that moved and not the geeky guy. But I love it anyway. They even kept the father.

3. I had to watch the series on Hulu because my girlfriend doesn’t like very much of the stuff I like (romantic comedies, and all around cheesy girly kinds of things). But I also like the stuff she likes so it works out (like History Channel, and Spike [UFC anyone?]).

4. I crashed the computer system at work, using up all the bandwidth because I was watching Hulu. I was catching up on FlashForward.

5. The only reason I started watching FlashForward was because there was a lesbian character in it that I learned about on AfterEllen. I missed the first few episodes (that were no longer on Hulu) but had plenty to catch up on.

6. The only reason my girlfriend started watching House is because while flipping through the channels she paused when there was a sex scene between two women. It was Thirteen. Then she started enjoyed House’s character because he is an asshole… So is my girlfriend. They would get along.

7. I like supporting family. Doesn’t matter if they are characters or real people. I’m all about the Pride. I’m not a in your face flag waver, but I don’t lie when asked (ever been in a room full of cowboys and girls and get asked if you are married, because they notice your ring, and you answer “sort of” and then further explain yourself)?

8. I recently discovered OTEP was amongst them (also because of AfterEllen). My girlfriend loves that band. I didn’t care much for them at first. Too hardcore and loud (she likes to listen to it loud). But then I heard Perfectly Flawed and loved it (if you couldn’t guess it is one of their softer songs). But then I learned she is family and now I’m a huge Otep fan. It isn’t just because she is gay, but listen to the lyrics, she is amazing with words. I’ll give you a sample (I was actually contemplating writing up a post about this earlier today before I learned of my award).
This is from the latest album Smash the Control Machine. The song is Numb & Dumb.

I took his wife into my mouth
Like a slice of wedding cake
I went back for extra helpings
& then I clean my plate

Still covered in her yolk
The wet drug of my addiction
I'm nature's little criminal
A selfish crucifixion

And yes that part of the song is totally gay and that is probably why I love it so much. Also they do a good cover of Breed by Nirvana on The Ascension album. And very political, anti-war… Overall amazing, check it out.

9. My girlfriend is not an activist. It gets to me sometimes. She hates gay bars and doesn’t believe in Pride parades. She just wants to be left alone. I try and tell her that until we are accepted we need these things. And they won’t leave us alone until then (or until a good while after then, as we still obviously have problems with racism and how long were those civil rights earned?)

10. I like things to flow. Did you notice my list? They kind of lead into each other… For the most part. Call it OCD. There are actually a few more things I could stick in there, but it didn’t quite work with the flow, I’d have to jump back to earlier points in the list and I didn’t like that idea (even though #9 fits better after #7, but I wanted to make #8 so I didn’t have to do another post later).

So time to pass on the award. I might not make it to 10… We’ll see how it goes. Hopefully I've already placed these blogs in a read-these and you will already have checked them out.

In alphabetical order

7 senses

Femme Fairy Godmother

Ms. Karen's Blog

On My Route

On The Surface

Two Moms with a Plan

And especially to Dawg at Dyked Out whose blog is now closed for repairs, closed to those not invited. Since I’m not one of those invited, and you probably won’t be either I won’t bother putting down the link. But her brutal honesty in a recent post was brave and I commend her for it. I however think that her honesty is the reason she is taking a break from the blogging world. I guess the lesson learned is that you can be too honest. There are just some things you don’t need to tell strangers. But for me there are some things that are easier to tell strangers. Thanks for listening.