Lez Represent

Clearly I've been busy what with not posting stuff to my blog...

I should have kept up on my EFA Podcast listens. I could have talked about how awesome ClexaCon was (and shared photos). But instead I'm going to share with you what I wrote in response to some general questions Erica sent to me before chatting with her on her podcast Lez Represent.

Tell us about yourself -When was the first time you became aware of lesbians/queers as a thing -when did you realize you were a lesbian/queer -when did you come out -was it what you expected -are there any unexpected things about being a lesbian /queer you didn't realize or think about.

And because I automatically write blog post style, here was my response...

I wish I could remember the first time I was aware of queers. I remember too many times where I thought back and went, wow, but at the time I was a fairly oblivious person (still am actually). People who I had encountered in life and it was much later I realized they were queer. People who were obviously different and I never remember them actively hiding it, but I also grew up in Idaho so they likely weren’t waving the rainbow flag. It was a more subtle form of “we’re here, we’re queer, get used to it.” But really the earliest I can truly pin-point, with actual words, must have been Ellen. And I loved that show. I watched it faithfully. I identified with Ellen. But when she came out I shut it down. And I didn’t come back around to it until much later.

Actually I’m sure I had an inkling if not before that moment then exactly at that moment. I’m sure if I found my journals it would be so obvious to me now in the faded pencil and tear stains. I knew I was different but I never had the words. It is actually why queer is a great word, its original use merely meant different. I think I even went through an asexual phase, if I wasn’t interested in sex with males, then I must not be interested in sex. I also went through a bisexual phase, I had two crushes at that time, the girl I went to high school with (I loved it when she was mean to me) and the super nice guy in my college class. But when I really looked at who I was interested in, sexually, it became obvious where I sat on the scale. I was definitely a lesbian. And I became an alcoholic because I didn’t deal with it well.

I first came out to my friend/roommate one drunken night. It was my last year or two in college, I was legally drinking then. I don’t remember it, or didn’t at the time, and afterwards she used to tease me about being a lesbian. I denied it of course, but I wanted to scream “If you’d leave me alone about it, maybe I eventually will.” I actually developed a thing for her too. In fact, when I “came out” to her, the fuzzy flashes I had later, were of me begging her to sleep with me. She was so mean to me (you may be sensing a pattern). She said that was her way of letting me know she was okay with it, but it did not help. It actually did the opposite. But then I graduated college and ran off to the other side of the world for grad school where I would be free from all the people I knew, I could be open, I could start new and be myself and….

Nope.

I was in a more accepting country and yet I still…. I just didn’t. And being far away from everything I knew I turned inward. I had just become an obsessed Buffy fan that summer and brought all of my DVDs (the 7th season had not come out yet, but I ordered it online and had my parents send it to me) and I watched them continuously. I had always identified with Willow when I watched it as it first aired those first 3 seasons, so when I finally caught up all I missed when I (and the Scooby gang) was in college, everything made a lot more sense. If only I had seen Willow and Tara my freshman year when it aired, I would have known then. I would have known deep in my bones and there would have been no denying it. This is where representation in media matters. Without Willow and Tara on my screen (or frankly any movie where women were kissing), it would have been easy to keep denying. But then I found The Kittenboard and found my tribe. With the help of my online friends, and reading lots and lots of smutfic, I dealt with coming out to myself. Accepting myself. Learning to come out. I went to a counsellor and finally said the words out loud “I’m gay.” Then I came out to my brother, then the boy from high school who I knew was still in love with me, and then I went home. I came out to my parents and then I came out to all of my friends by telling them I finally came out to my parents.

I knew deep down that I would be okay when I came out to my parents but that didn’t stop the fear and anxiety that gripped my life and held it at a standstill for so long. I knew they would be okay, eventually. The most important factors for me were telling them first, so they didn’t hear about it from someone else, and telling them before I had a girlfriend. I had seen and read one too many stories about how disastrous either of those things could be. If the parents weren’t okay and found out from someone else and confronted their child… If the parents were okay and found out from elsewhere, they would be upset that their child wasn’t comfortable enough or didn’t trust them enough to come out. They would be disappointed… And that, the “D” word, is my trigger. The idea of disappointing my parents… Their perfect daughter, who got good grades and didn’t get into trouble, would disappoint them.

Like I’ve mentioned before, when it comes to expectations, me coming out was not unexpected to them. Their reaction was not unexpected to me. It worked how I figured it would. There would be crying, and my parents would eventually transition from uncomfortable with the idea to okay, and I’d even say they finally made it to the proud. What helped, especially my mother, the most was learning that she wasn’t alone. When she reconnected with her friends from her younger days (thanks Facebook), and learned that they too had queer children, I think that is when she really fully accepted it. I think people tend to forget that just us, being ourselves out in the world is some of the most important representation we have.

One expectation that has surprised me is when I first came out, I didn’t realize just how often I would have to keep coming out. Or assess a situation to make sure it was safe to come out. Or realize how hard it was to have a normal conversation in a work environment if it isn’t safe to come to out. I was living and working Idaho, a right to work state, where they could fire me for being gay. But I have ended living most of my early being out life much like the ones I remember from my childhood. I wouldn’t often outright declare I was lesbian, and sometimes I would play the pronoun game, but I would rarely outright lie or deny. If people made assumptions back then about the gender of the person in my life, then that was their deal. If people assumed that my roommate and I were just friends living together, I didn’t feel the need to correct them. Sometimes people will only see what they want to see.

Unless I am seriously uneasy, I correct people now. Sometimes I will generically use the word spouse (I actually like it), or mention I am married and when they ask about my husband, I correct them to wife. Sometimes I just throw out wife and watch their facial expressions change and they take in the word, which is generally just surprise and not usually in a bad way. Of course, more people are surprised to hear my wife and I have been together for 12 years.

And as much as I would like to go on about my wife she is a rather private person. I'm sure I'll say too much when we chat later. And I'm sure I'll totally ramble on and say "uh..." a lot.

Okay that last paragraph was not what I sent to Erica, there were more questions but it got late and I got tired. It is late again and I'm still tired (I'm always tired). So enjoy me talking about being a lesbian on the Lez Represent Podcast!

Contemplative

I have been a lot more active on Twitter and a lot less on Tumblr. I have been busy with my own Podcast and listening to a bunch of others. Life has been overwhelming and I miss my wife and our dogs.

But a few things have brought me to sitting down and writing tonight. I was on Twitter and saw Lez Represent Podcast talking about their latest episode featuring LezWatchTV. I had already seen Lez Represent and intended to listen to it a while ago (but life, work, busy, etc…) and I finally sat down to type up some paperwork and hit play. Then I tweeted about listening to that episode.  If you want to see many long conversations just follow the threads and re-tweets.

Part of this conversation talked about coming out. I mentioned, “I think I wrote a blog post about that.” Which I did, but it wasn’t the story I thought it was. Reading it again was a little bit eye-opening, and having a conversation about representation on the media also made me contemplative.

In other words, prepare for rambling.

I know I’ve written my coming-out story before. I’m sure if I dug around The Kitten Board I can find it, copy/paste and just be done with it. Which I might still go dig it up later because that will certainly be an earlier (fresher) perspective of it and it would be interesting to compare that to how I view it now.

Timeline: I graduated from my master’s program in 2005, returning home that September from Scotland. Read Mixtape to learn about that girl I was in love with back then. But that was the time I had really come out to myself. And during that time I had used Match.com and went on a few dates. A month or two before I was to return home I went ahead and changed my searches to back home. I started talking with one woman with the intention of when I returned home we might start dating. She eventually wrote me an apology, saying she had gone out to the club and met a woman in person. Turns out this gal she met I knew from college. Which was cool because when I got back we all hung out and it was nice to be around gay people like me. (Side note, glad this college friend took this woman off my hands, they had a disastrous relationship and I think oh shit, that could have been me!)

But I was still looking for a girlfriend so I talked to more women online. Agreed to meet up with one at a coffee shop and we found out later that night was a gay film festival and they were screening Girl Play. We agreed to meet later that night. And here is another point where REPRESENTATION MATTERS, especially in the media. If I had not seen this movie, who knows how long it would have been before I had the courage to come out.  If I had not seen Willow and Tara, I would not have been absolutely sure about myself. If I had not seen Kissing Jessica Stein (as much as people generally dislike this movie), I could have kept dismissing feelings about other women.

Back to my original coming out (to myself) post, if I had not seen Ellen…. Well back then I dismissed it. This is where POSITIVE REPRESENTATION MATTERS. I had seen the negative, the backlash. I suspect now that my own dismissal was entirely influenced by how the world dismissed Ellen.  I remember my Mom asking me about it, why I stopped watching the show myself (before it got canceled). I remember telling her it became serious and wasn’t as funny anymore. I’m sure there is a lot more to unpack here but hopefully, you get what I’m saying.

October 21, 2005. I see a movie. October 22, 2005. I come out to my parents.

I had already planned to actually. When I returned from Scotland I went to visit my brother in Portland. He was one of the first I came out to while I was in Scotland. We went to Powell’s Bookstore. I bought a book about coming out I thought might be helpful to my parents (it apparently wasn’t), and a lesbian romance novel, and a strange book about botany in some parallel universe. I was just waiting for the right time.

I was living with my other brother at the time. He was gone and I was going to go see my old high school marching band march in the district competition with my friend (we were both Drum Majors, and her little sister was now taking the field in that position). So I drove to my parents’ house to drop off my brother’s dog since no one would be home and I nervously sat down and said I had something to tell them.

I really don’t remember how I said it. “Mom, Dad, I’m gay.” Those might have been my words. What I do remember is my heart pounding. What I do remember is my mother saying “I’ve been dreading this day.” What I do remember is lots of crying. What I do remember is dropping this bomb, my mother wanting to talk more, and me leaving them with that book I bought to go watch the marching band.

They said they suspected. Apparently, something popped up on the internet about lesbians once. They asked about that girl in Scotland if she was my girlfriend (she did have short hair after all). I don’t even remember if all of these things had been discussed that day or the next. My mother thought she had done something wrong. Was it the complications of my birth or the drugs the hospital had her on? Had she done something or not done enough, something that made me this way?  It was all very confusing to her.

Ironic that I paused last night in writing the above paragraph and today I was (still am) playing catch up on Buffering the Vampire Slayer, and the episode for Becoming Part 2 where Kristin and Jenny talk about the coming out parallel for Buffy. I wish the book I had given my parents was the one by Kristin Russo. It was just super relevant to hear that episode after I mention my mother blaming herself. I feel the universe just balances itself sometimes. It also likes to think it is funny (and can have a cruel sense of humor sometimes).

It was a rather big deal for me to come out to my parents first, with the exception of about 5 people, I wanted my parents to be first because I didn’t want them to find out through someone else.  Then I came out to everyone else by saying “So I came out to my parents the other day.” As I have mentioned before, most people were not surprised. I did lose a few friends, they said I had changed. But as I came to realize, I had not changed, I had finally become the person I was and no longer the suck-up who was overcompensating and constantly seeking approval from my peers. They didn't like that I was no longer constantly available to them. Plus, there is also a whole thing about these “friends” of mine disliking my wife, but we can save that for another story time (maybe).

I understand I am extremely lucky in my coming-out. Sure my mother’s words hurt but in the overall scheme of things (and how I find it funny now), I can’t be disappointed with my coming-out story. And I’m always glad to share it. Thanks for reading.

Episode 4 - Dynamic!

So I ended up writing a good portion of this on Sunday and then not posting it. Now it is late and I have Episode 5 still to get to....

But back to Episode 4 - Diverse Dynamics



I'm going to go with a different style here with this episode than I have with my previous. Because when I feel awkward I definitely beat around the bush...

So let us turn to science!  I learned recently, and randomly, from a youtube video about soy (and generally falling down a social media spiral of clicking on things that look interesting), that the original idea of Alpha Wolf is outdated by the scientist who coined the phrase. That original biologist, L. David Mech, who wrote the book "The Wolf: Ecology and Behavior of an Endangered Species," has learned more about wolves than he did when he studied and wrote that book in 1968. Alpha wolf is an outdated notion. One that has been grasped onto by those who wish to to perpetuate that toxic masculinity notion of strong males can do whatever in the hell they want.  And they can suck it because check out these lesbian wolves.  Seriously, I need to stay off of youtube sometimes.

So my wife and I have 3 dogs. I consider our family a pack. If ABO were a thing, here is how it would break down...  My wife is the Alpha. Our oldest (border collie/aussie shepard) is the Beta, and sometimes he will get mildly aggressive during play, especially if there are females in heat on neighboring farms, and will "challenge" my wife (or that is the way we understand it in this pack dynamic notion). The middle child, my baby girl, (similar mix to the oldest since he is, in fact, her father, and her mother was the same mix with some cardigan welsh corgi mixed in), I honestly don't know where she would fit. She is deaf and doesn't give two fucks about much other than food and sleep. She might think she is an Alpha because she can boss her father around. The baby boy (a dachshund), he loves everyone and sort of lives in two different packs (he stays in the house during the day with his friends a boxer and a papillon because his older "siblings" are assholes). And then there is me. The joke is, I'm just the human who feeds them... 

But back to ABO, because the idea does exist and it has become popular in werewolf fiction, and now this non-werewolf ABO specific genre of fiction.

Actually, just listen to the podcast with Jude and Kendrene and their explanations, they are both more eloquent that I.

I'll go back to talking about random things.

So there are some notes I made when I sat down with DW to chat that I didn't get into. Which is fine, the conversation flows how it flows. Also this was before I learned to give DW an idea of some things I wanted to note so she can lead me in properly.

The scent bonding idea struck a chord with me. And I might get TMI, but scent is one of those things that helped clue me into being gay, and also helped clue me into my wife being the one. Acutally, I'll just leave it at that because I will get to the oversharing point very quickly.

My other note that correlates to scent is, in this fic, specific plants are named as scents. As a botanist, which might have been mentioned a few times now, I use scent to aid me in plant identification on occasion.  Want to tell the difference between the rabbitbrushes, especially when you are in that stupid hybrid zone and it kind of looks like both? I would use smell to differentiate. Not that it would ultimately matter in an ecological context, as most often was the focus of the study, because they both occupy the same niche. It is just how some of us scientists operate. Just ask a geologist about licking rocks. But I digress...

So I ended up going on a huge botany spiral in my notes and researching all the plants, which was neat but not ultimately helpful in my chat with DW or when we interviewed Kendrene.

 I might do a special blog about some of the interesting plant factoids I've come across reading fic.  We can even go back to Episode 2 and talk about orange hawkweed...

And last but not least. Some behind-the-scenes fun, shortly after DW pressed the stop recording button the words "I will eat pasta and think of you" were said. 

Episode 1 - Mixtape

I'm a little late to my own game? That's standard operating procedure.

But here is the quick and dirty. I am now involved in a podcast. It is called Earp Fiction Addiction. I read a lot of Fan Fiction. I even occasionally write it. And on top of this awesome project I've been super crazy busy with big life changes.  Got it? Good.  Check this out.  I'll be doing a re-listen and typing some thoughts below.



I can't listen to Olly Anna "Write my Story" on my own playlist without getting the urge to listen to the podcast now.

Geez, that is a lot of nervous giggling on my part. I am of the personal belief that DarkWiccan is way more eloquent than I am on a regular basis. I consider myself better on paper.

I still haven't made headway on any fic since I recorded this first podcast.  Keep in mind we record weeks in advance because that is how we do, so it has been a while since I've written anything.  In fact the last time I typed anything of significance, I believe it was on this blog at the 1st of the year.

I apologize for all the background noise. I had not gotten my fancy microphone yet and I was nervous and shuffling papers and smacking the desk.... I get better about it I promise.

I've heard this podcast before, more than once, after DarkWiccan got it all put together, but I just started listening and got lost. I really hope everyone else is getting sucked into it.

I can't even.... Seriously.  Still can't.

So I really was super excited to talk to Pirate and Smurf. I had a different set up than the first segment. First of all, I was trying to record in a more quiet environment so I borrowed a laptop, hid in my room and told everyone to not bother me.  My room is on the edge of the WiFi signal. I tell everyone to get off. I just didn't have the bandwidth to keep up and kept getting kicked off. So I got to say Hi to Pirate and Smurf but I didn't get to ask them the questions.  DarkWiccan did a great job though.

Smurf can't even. It's a thing.

It is just so amazing to hear Smurf and Pirate's own words speaking about the massive alternate universe that is the 80's Mixtape AU.

Last thoughts....

I've recorded 6 (or so) episodes so far and there is always something that I forget or I don't have a chance to get to. In this particular case, I wanted to ask the podcast peeps about Mixtapes.  So I will pose the question to my audience here, and probably on Twitter and Tumblr.  What is your mixtape story? Have you given or received one? Please tell me about it.

I'll start off with mine, which, since I might be a little drunk right now, I'll go into way too much detail than I should, and also would have had time for to mention on a podcast.

I was away at graduate school, studying Botany in Edinburgh Scotland.  I was in the grad dorms, filled specifically with us foreigners not from the UK.  I'm not super social but I did finally start spending time with my flatmates, the other American and the Canadian, and through them I met more people from other parts of the dorm.

And there was one girl I got super close with. I had recently discovered my gayness, but even halfway around the world where I could have started fresh and open, I did not. I'm sure I've mentioned it at one point on my blog, I just overall wasn't dealing with it very well.  But I had found fan fiction and The Kitten Board, and I was coping, sort of.

We talk about lots of stuff, except the part where I think know I'm gay.  I get her to watch Buffy. I had all of the seasons and she'd come to my room and we'd watch them on my laptop. At one point in our friendship she makes me a CD.  Music she thinks I would like.  I had it on repeat. Would sleep to it.

She introduced me to LiveJournal and NaNoWriMo. She is a history major and knows all about Scotland and is learning Gaelic and shows me all the neat stuff at the Museums. She is a Goddess and god damnit I'm totally falling for her.

I know about her undergrad, just as she knows mine.  She went to a Seven Sisters college. She has had her fair share of female friends come out (and come on) to her. I'm sure she had to have suspected. But I stayed quiet and enjoyed my cuddle buddy.

We take a train to Mallaig and stay in a hostel. We ferry to the Isle of Skye, and see Clydesdale's being ridden along the beach and walk through the gardens of Armadale Castle. Back in Mallaig, we find a bench situated up the road overlooking the water and the Isle and watch the sunset as she is curled up against me in the chilly evening air, my arm around her holding her tight. The train ride back I spent drawing a pentagram, so I could show the tattoo artist how I wanted it shaded, because he didn't get it when I tried to explain it. A week before I left, I got the tattoo and ended up just using my drawing.

When school was over and it was time for me to go home, I received a hand written letter before we joined my parents (who came to visit and bring me home) and my classmates out for drinks, and a request to read it after I got home. I believe I had finally come out to her, which she suspected, especially the night I came back to the dorms black out drunk and called her to help me get into my own room, talking about hitting on the cute Czech bartender, who was giving me free drinks.  But back to the letter. She declared that, out of all the women who had taken interest in her, I was the only one she had ever considered. 

I read it in the bathroom that night. I don't know how I managed to get my shit together and go back out and continue the conversation with everyone like my world hadn't just been turned  upside down.

She also gave me one last CD. Translated from Scottish Gaelic it says "Dream of the Stars." She had, like the one before, drawn a cute CD cover and included in the booklet the list of songs.  The letter mentioned a hidden track in this CD, not on the list and somewhere in the middle.

I never did get that kiss.

We sent a few hand written letters back and forth for a while and a few emails. We are still facebook friends but we don't really talk anymore and my wife still refers to her as my "Scottish Girlfriend" even though she is American and her heritage is mostly Italian.

So that is my drunken TMI - Mixtape story.  What's yours?

Life Saver

I learned something new the other day. I apparently saved my mother's life.

As an aside, know that I don't usually go into such detail in my personal life. I know it seems like I talk more about my personal life than I actually write say for instance - fiction, but those are not as in depth as this is. And are usually me bitching and making excuses as why I didn't get anything done...

First let me start off with how this came up in conversation.  I went to visit a friend after work. She just found out she lost her baby. Miscarriage.  It was not unexpected, though none-the-less terrible.  She has physical disabilities as well as her HPV becoming cancerous.

My mother asked how my friend was doing. I told her. She then got to talking about when it (miscarriage) happened to her. I was supposed to have three older brothers instead of two.

What my mother went through when she had to have *it* removed, was what inspired her to not see a doctor right away when she had her aneurysm. It was a Catholic hospital and she had to sign papers that got sent to the vatican just to get it done.

So we talked about her aneurysm. I was always confused about why she didn't go to the doctor right away. She actually waited 3 days before someone convinced her to go in. She saw her OB and he told her to see the neuologist. Now I am sure you all know I am Buffy obessed and those who've see it know what happened to Buffy's Mom. Why did my mother merely pass-out, get up, and wait 3 days to go in?

Now you see where I am going with this title?

Apparently being pregnant increases your blood volume (especially at the 2nd trimester). It clotted quickly and prevented severe brain bleeding. My mother explained quite a bit about it, stuff the doctors told her about, a little while after she had recovered and I was growing up healthy and strong.

So it makes me ponder deep thoughts. If my mother was not pregnant with me she might not have even had the aneurysm. But if she had the aneurysm and had not been pregnant she probably would have died. And that is probably deep enough for now.

Back to writing ...

Start of a New Year?

A New Good Year.

So quick update I guess.

* Yes I have written the prompt up, but because of my NaNoWriMo experience, I wrote a draft and it needs some work. I think you'll be surprised in the direction I've taken it.

* My girlfriend filled out her FAFSA and has been accepted into the program she wants. Seeing how she didn't have a job last year, her expected contribution is $0 and she'll get good pell grants.

* And last but not least, her unemployment finally went through. She'll have some weekly money to help with the bills and can pay off her vehicle.

So all in all, especially for my girlfriend, this year is her year I think. Which would make my year. So now I'm off to apply for a summer job that will get me in the area we want to settle and if I am correct will lead/turn into a permanent, even if only seasonal, kind of job. And I'm okay with the seasonal because that gives me a few months to work on writing...

Prompt Me

I used to do poetry this way. Someone give me something to work with. I've been in a bit of a writing funk due to lots and lots of stress. The good news, our Landlady appeared to be doing the inspection, supposedly not looking for a reason to kick us out, but for what things they can do to fix up the place. So either a) we never complained about anything so they were curious as to why (the fridge being the one exception) or b) we've been there 3 years and this is standard. Either way I told her I had applied for jobs out of town so they'll wait on the painting while we wait until one of them contacts me for a job offer.

In other news, not sure if it is good or not. My girlfriend got an email from someone who is a friend of her biological father, saying he is trying to contact her. Yay, as I would like our future child to know more about his/her heritage (whether or not our kid is biologically related to her, which we've been thinking about me carrying her egg, not sure yet, have to figure out if we can afford that route). All I know is her father is from a nomadic tribe in Nigeria. Not so yay, if he calls saying her grandparents have passed on or are sick (she has spoken with them before). Not so yay, if he doesn't accept our relationship and wants nothing to do with her after trying to find her. Not so yay, if he only wishes to buy her love and not really spend time to get to know her (and possibly his future grandchild). But yay if he does stay in her life and has the funds to help with her schooling or whatever. As long as my girlfriend is happy and this turns out to be a good thing then I will be happy. But right now it is making me a bit nuts, nervous and excited.

Also I've lost a few pounds and have been working on getting rid of a few more. If I can get my BMI to 25, that will open up a few doors for me including joining the military (although most people have tried to talk me out of this one, but I'd be a) joining the guard and b) hopefully they'd be getting rid of that pesky DADT before or shortly after), or possibly donating eggs (which would help fund an egg transfer, plus I'd be going through the same people).

But back to the writing. Someone give me a prompt. Give me a few items that are required in my story, whether small plot points or physical objects, song lyrics, whatever you want. I will write a short story (or more than one if I get a few good ones) and post it. So let's have it folks...

My Kids (and other issues)

It has been a while since I've checked out the internets. Part of it was because at work I kept bogging down the system watching too much Hulu, or playing games on MSN. Both obviously big no-nos. I purged my facebook of all the stupid little games I became obsessed about, with the exception of Treasure Madness because I don't need to feed anything or collect money to get anywhere. I can play it when I want (and also when it works because sometimes I just can't get into it).

But I read over at Pretty Witty And... about how cats are people too (or not, depending on who you side with). I wanted to take a moment to talk about my kids. Brodie and Gaia. They may be dogs but they are our kids. And I was a bad mother the other night and almost lost Gaia. Because she is deaf I need to keep a better eye on her. So letting her out of the car with deer nearby was not smart and she took off... and I couldn't yell for her to come back. It scared me. She made her way back to the neighbors though where I found her after circling the block.

I've been super stressed. Financially we are struggling, as usual. Wanting to give people things or do things or visit people for the holidays doesn't help. And then we get guilt tripped into feeling bad. But I still need brakes on my car (I really shouldn't be even driving to work they are that bad) and my landlady was making threats when I paid the other half of rent later in the month. Said she was going to do an inspection. Was she bluffing? She hasn't called yet. But the house has been cleaned, top to bottom. My tub is white again. She won't find anything if she is looking for a good excuse to kick us out. Then my girlfriend gets irritated with me because the way I've been cleaning makes her think I'm not worried about the situation. And she also gets irritated with me when I ask her what she wants me to do next. I got a B in my work study in high school okay because I have no initiative. Just tell me what to do and I'll do it. Be very specific please. I should have joined the military.

I still think about that sometimes too. I could join and eventually they'll let me be me and recognize my relationship. But in the meantime we'd at least have extra money. She doesn't think I could do it, and doesn't want me broken down. I'm smart (but weak) I'm not meant for the military supposedly. Of course she'd join even though she is smart because she is also tough. But her flat feet kept her out. I just am looking for something to do that I can enjoy. Or something that is mundane and tedious (and away from a computer) to distract me and make me physically tired so I can sleep well at night instead of my mind being tired from distracting myself with facebook games and hulu. I don't know. I just need something different, or a better attitude. Maybe both.

Sharing in Pictures

You may be following my blog and my tweets. You may even have friended me on facebook. But how much do we really know about each other? Not much. Okay you've read my "coming out to myself story" and read 20 things about me. But know know me? Probably not. And as pointed out by surfxracer it is easy to be honest when "no one that I've physically met reads this."

I have pointed a few friends towards this site (mostly so they could pass it on, especially Lez and the Country, to other lesbians they know) but I really don't think they stop by. At least they haven't told me yet. Also I don't even know if those who were sent by my friends have stopped by.

But I've been in the sharing mood and felt the need add some visualizations to this sharing. I just read over at Lisa and Laura Write that it is Tell the Truth Tuesday. So this kind of works...

This is my baby girl Gaia. She is deaf but has bright blue eyes that see other things that no one else can see, which causes her to bark and scare the hell out of me. She knows hand signals pretty well. I have been a bad mother and haven't gotten her fixed yet. Made even worse by the fact that her father lives with us as well and he isn't fixed either.

This is what she looked like as a puppy. She is one year old this month.

I have travelled the world. The picture I've decided to post is me at the top of Caana at Caracol a large Mayan site in what is now Belize. That was one helluva climb. I had to get a picture to prove I made it to the top.

Yes that is a PEZ shirt.

So there you go. Now you know more randomness about me. And I'm off to work on getting some of Sally's story posted today.

10 More Things

This is for you Dar, 10 things I like about myself...

Feel free to do this yourself. It is a fun exercise.

1. I'm smart. Like hella smart. Seriously.

2. My moments of wit are brilliant, funny and well timed.

3. I give people a chance. There is a story with this one. Back in high school when I was dating this boy who was much older (it didn't work out when I wouldn't sleep with him) and there was this girl I barely knew making very rude comments about me (such as what a little slut I was) unknowingly to my own Mother. By our senior year, we were good friends (and unfortunately because of her often poor attitude I was one of very few friends of hers).

4. I don't judge. Granted I used to, and may occasionally struggle with it (but I'm human right?), but it certainly is in check.

5. I am patient. Another story for this one. This time back in college I had two friends come to visit me and as we were readying ourselves for a night out I was getting frustrated with my contacts or my hair.. Or something. One friend commented to the other "I thought you said she was patient." "Only with everyone else." Okay so being impatient with myself could be considered a bad thing but I'm not dwelling on that here. I'm making a comment that a friend of mine told another friend, who hadn't seen me in a long time, about how patient I was.

6. I'm caring. Go ahead and ask my girlfriend all that I do for her. Actually ask any of my friends and family.

7. I even help out strangers. More so when my girlfriend is around because she is worse than I am. We had picked up this lady last Christmas while in the city and took her shopping to get diapers and stuff for her kids. We always have food in the car and whenever there is a person with a sign we'll give them some food.

8. I love animals. I think I love them more than people sometimes. I wish I could go to the pound and take them all home.

9. I love learning and love it when others learn. I've considered going back to school to be a teacher. I think I'd be a good one.

10. I am an activist. I actually have always been one. Even when my self esteem has been the lowest (high school anyone?) I was always there for the other girls who were even worse off than I was. I like helping people, and by being an activist (whether it gay, or environmental or whatever) I am doing what I can to make the world better. I especially want to make the world better for young girls with low selfesteem and gay kids who have it even worse off sometimes, so they don't have to go through what I did. And who can say anything bad about that?

So there you go folks. Go ahead tell me at least one thing you like about yourself...

Honest Scrap

Honest Scrap - Holy Crap!
I won an award.
This was sent my way from The Lesser Key and I couldn't be happier. It made my day. I've visited many blogs and seen their little awards on the sidebar and wondered if some day I might have a few of my own. Well this is a start. And it is a cool idea.

So how it works is I have to send this award on to 10 more people who've had some real honest moments in their blog (or that is my interpretation) and as my acceptance speech is give "10 Things about Myself. Which makes me think about my favorite Movie “10 Things I Hate About You” which quickly slipped into “10 things I hate about myself”.

1. I have low self esteem. See, what I said above, quickly slipped into 10 things I hate about myself. No joke. It is a serious problem. I’ve always had it.

2. Not only do I love that movie (Julia Styles anyone? *wink wink nudge nudge*) but I’ve also enjoyed the hell out of the show. Which I was worried when I first saw it was going to come out that it would be horrible without Julia and Heath who totally made the movie. They changed around the idea though (moved it from Seattle to California) and the kids were the ones that moved and not the geeky guy. But I love it anyway. They even kept the father.

3. I had to watch the series on Hulu because my girlfriend doesn’t like very much of the stuff I like (romantic comedies, and all around cheesy girly kinds of things). But I also like the stuff she likes so it works out (like History Channel, and Spike [UFC anyone?]).

4. I crashed the computer system at work, using up all the bandwidth because I was watching Hulu. I was catching up on FlashForward.

5. The only reason I started watching FlashForward was because there was a lesbian character in it that I learned about on AfterEllen. I missed the first few episodes (that were no longer on Hulu) but had plenty to catch up on.

6. The only reason my girlfriend started watching House is because while flipping through the channels she paused when there was a sex scene between two women. It was Thirteen. Then she started enjoyed House’s character because he is an asshole… So is my girlfriend. They would get along.

7. I like supporting family. Doesn’t matter if they are characters or real people. I’m all about the Pride. I’m not a in your face flag waver, but I don’t lie when asked (ever been in a room full of cowboys and girls and get asked if you are married, because they notice your ring, and you answer “sort of” and then further explain yourself)?

8. I recently discovered OTEP was amongst them (also because of AfterEllen). My girlfriend loves that band. I didn’t care much for them at first. Too hardcore and loud (she likes to listen to it loud). But then I heard Perfectly Flawed and loved it (if you couldn’t guess it is one of their softer songs). But then I learned she is family and now I’m a huge Otep fan. It isn’t just because she is gay, but listen to the lyrics, she is amazing with words. I’ll give you a sample (I was actually contemplating writing up a post about this earlier today before I learned of my award).
This is from the latest album Smash the Control Machine. The song is Numb & Dumb.

I took his wife into my mouth
Like a slice of wedding cake
I went back for extra helpings
& then I clean my plate

Still covered in her yolk
The wet drug of my addiction
I'm nature's little criminal
A selfish crucifixion

And yes that part of the song is totally gay and that is probably why I love it so much. Also they do a good cover of Breed by Nirvana on The Ascension album. And very political, anti-war… Overall amazing, check it out.

9. My girlfriend is not an activist. It gets to me sometimes. She hates gay bars and doesn’t believe in Pride parades. She just wants to be left alone. I try and tell her that until we are accepted we need these things. And they won’t leave us alone until then (or until a good while after then, as we still obviously have problems with racism and how long were those civil rights earned?)

10. I like things to flow. Did you notice my list? They kind of lead into each other… For the most part. Call it OCD. There are actually a few more things I could stick in there, but it didn’t quite work with the flow, I’d have to jump back to earlier points in the list and I didn’t like that idea (even though #9 fits better after #7, but I wanted to make #8 so I didn’t have to do another post later).

So time to pass on the award. I might not make it to 10… We’ll see how it goes. Hopefully I've already placed these blogs in a read-these and you will already have checked them out.

In alphabetical order

7 senses

Femme Fairy Godmother

Ms. Karen's Blog

On My Route

On The Surface

Two Moms with a Plan

And especially to Dawg at Dyked Out whose blog is now closed for repairs, closed to those not invited. Since I’m not one of those invited, and you probably won’t be either I won’t bother putting down the link. But her brutal honesty in a recent post was brave and I commend her for it. I however think that her honesty is the reason she is taking a break from the blogging world. I guess the lesson learned is that you can be too honest. There are just some things you don’t need to tell strangers. But for me there are some things that are easier to tell strangers. Thanks for listening.

Coming Out To Yourself

Okay I keep reading more and I'm just going to post this. The plan was to post it for National Coming Out Day (the 11th of this month folks). But I can't wait. Because two of the Read-These I was going to post today have written about it as well. So here goes.

Thank you Two Moms with a Plan for inspiring this. And Thanks to Femme Fairy Godmother who wrote her story too.

Everyone old enough remembers the "Puppy Episode" of Ellen right? When was that? I googled it 1997. I could have sworn it was earlier. I would have been 16-17. Like I said, seems like I was younger, that or I've just gotten too old already. But back to my point. I remember watching the episode. I remember wondering if I too were like her. I dismissed it however and I was merely a tomboy... A nerdy tomboy.

In high school my friends and I were fun people. We did funny things. Somehow the joke became that I was married to my friend Natalie and our little youngin Andrea (she was two years younger than us) was our adopted love child. In a way that is how our strange triangle worked. We were partners in crime and we had both taken little Andi under our wing. Of course it isn't fun without some drama, so Natalie left me for a man and little Andi had to deal with her Moms being divorced and fighting over her. That is how it went. We thought it was funny. I always thought it hit a little close to home. I never really dated, though there was this one guy I hung out with a lot. Most people assumed we were dating, because we went to Prom and all that. Then the joke became that I got married to him. He was nice enough sure, and would have made a great husband (he really would have done anything for me). I would have travelled the world as an Army Wife. But I just couldn't do it. Didn't know why, just knew that it wasn't there.

Then I got to college. I made new friends. There were a few boys who I thought were cute. And I'll admit now I saw a few girls I thought were cute too. I was (inwardly) going through the "I must be bi" phase. This is apparently a common transition for many lesbians. But like I said, it was inward, almost to the point where I wouldn't even admit it. I never did anything to show my interest in girls. It was too risky. I had made a joke with my Mom about my friend from highschool and the reason why we were going to be roommates (we weren't though, but that would have been strange because she was the girl who stole my boyfriend when I was 15). She kind of freaked. My actual roommate made a joke in front of my brother, he freaked too. I took this as a sign. They didn't respond well to jokes, how would they respond to the real thing?

I kept all signs and thoughts hidden. But I should have known. I'd come home during the holidays or extended weekends and my mother would inform me who'd call (as they'd expect I'd be in the area). She'd always list the boys first. Mike and Kurt. "Uh huh, that's nice mom." Then she'd tell me Andi had called. I'd drop whatever I was doing and head for the phone. That is right, that Andi. My supposed "daughter" and I was feeling all Woody Allen for her. Only I didn't know it yet. It wasn't until she came to college too, not the same one as me, but one right near by. Near enough that I could visit and hang out. And I tried, but she was grown up, unavailable and didn't need me anymore. I didn't see her as often as I would have liked.

So one day I'm thinking about it. Like about the bi part. There are two people that I had crushes on. A guy in my classes, he was real cool, but he had a girlfriend (she was cute, but a bitch). And Andi. At the time I would have taken either. Until I had a dream one night. A very vivid, naked, sweaty hot dream. And I thought about it more. Sure I had a crush on the guy but when it came down to what was going down in the dream... I realized I had no interest. So then it was just down to me in the closet, suffering. And drinking... A lot. And attempting to sleep with guys in an effort to deny my true self. I said attempt, luckily in all the drunkenness it never came to be.

So I left the country. But I didn't take advantage of my new start. Instead I sunk deeper. Staying up all hours of the night devouring fan fiction, particularly enjoying the more adult rated stories, and at the same time realizing my dream to write again like I did when I was younger. Also sleeping during the day and missing my classes. To the point where I was teetering on the edge of pass or fail. I saw a counselor. I said "I'm gay" out loud. But that didn't help because I didn't talk. I even had one more night of drunkenness when I woke up with a bloke in my bed (again only an attempt, too drunk to go through it). And I had finally come out to myself. What a mess I was. I had to see a doctor. I got a prescription to help with my depression and anxiety, especially my anxiety. That gave me another test run for my parents. They took the news of me medicating myself fairly well. My dad just wanted me to be happy. Things started to look up.

So I made it back home. Met some nice girls online, and some crazy ones too. Came out to my parents only 11 days after National Coming Out Day, after going to a gay pride film festival the night before (on a date!) and seeing GirlPlay, the scene with Robin and her Mom was very inspirational. And I've already wrote about that day last year (did I post it here? I don't know... might have to do that) so I'll spare the details.

So please, feel free to share. When did you come out to yourself?

And don't forget to Read These (Summer Edition)
1: Two Moms with a Plan - self explanatory
2: Femme Fairy Godmother - self explanatory
3: Canadian Hope - I won't lie, I have dreams of going off to Canada as well. But these two guys had to go in order to be together, as the US has no provisions for sponsoring citizenship if you can't be "properly" married.

Anger

I've got a new iGoogle set up, from which I'm typing this blog. A new month, a renewed sense that I need to get a lot done. Above this box I'm typing in is my horoscope. It tells me that since I haven't been able to get my annoyance out of my system it could build into anger. Ha... perhaps it also has some idea of just how much anger I've got going right now.

My girlfriend calls me to tell me the bill money is missing. Checks to see if I had accidently grabbed it. We check every where of course (the whole house is tore apart). She had come and picked me up for lunch just to have an extra set of eyes. I even cleaned the house last night so if it did get misplaced from when it was seen this morning it should be easy to find.

But there is always more to the story. My girlfriend is what I like to call a "reader." She seriously can read people like they are books. To simplify it, she is pretty sure where it went and who took it. All I can keep focusing on is why do we even bother to make friends? I want to be a hermit. I want to live in a cave. As long as I can access the internet I'd be happy, I'd even take something as slow as dialup. At least I'd find the time to write then huh?

My horoscope also tells me not to project my frustration at others and search for the source of the problem within. But like I said, there is always more to the story. I had a mental breakdown on Friday due to the strain that life in general (or life as it has been in the past year or so) has put on my relationship. Too much stress, too much crap, and even more drama when other people get involved. I seriously need to get away, with my girl, before it gets to the point where she gets away from me and I never see her again.

I've got my brother's wedding coming up soon. My family also puts a lot of strain on my relationship.

Also I have cramps and I just downed a Mtn Dew (which is much different that the usual diet cola's I drink). At least some good thing is coming out of this. I suddenly feel the motiviation to write....

Seriously In Need of Update

Does anyone listen to Gym Class Heroes? My girlfriend bought The Papercut Chronicles and one of my favourites songs is Graduation Day. Go check it out if you haven't heard it yet. Every time I think about what happened recently I think of a line from it. "Karie Ann died in a crash leaving the funeral"....

Well no one died in a crash recently, although I did attempt to kill myself, my girlfriend and her cousin on our way home after her Grandma died so we could pack up and head to the funeral. I'm okay, my girlfriend might need surgery on her arm (she was asleep with her arm out the window got banged up pretty good), it doesn't even look like I hit that damn reflector, and the deer pranced off like nothing happened. Oh and the car wasn't a total loss.. Hopefully it will be taken in sometime today and be spruced up, continuing on the road and continuing to cost me more that I can afford right now. But I did have gap insurance just in case it was a loss. Oh did I also mention I just changed insurance companies.... I'm sure they were happy to take me on with my nice clean record, only to foot a hefty bill with only one payment made.

I'm not much further than I posted before on the lezcountry blog. I've got a few posts written and many thought out but none of it has made it through the keyboard and online yet. Today would have been a good day to get to work on that but I didn't even bring my notebook. I haven't even had time to check blogger that often to catch up on everyone else. Therefor I don't even have any read-these. Although I did find another literary agent blog with some useful info and linking through the company site find an agent that looks at LGBT stuff but isn't accepting anything right now. Which is fine because I don't have anything right now, I've barely been writing.

Well that might be all for now, hopefully I'll get over this lovely hump in my life right now and get back to writing. Thanks for those of you sticking it out and still checking in on me.

Where To Even Begin

Yeah sorry I've been so busy lately. I've been slowly working on a post for Lez and the Country but haven't gotten it up yet. I don't like it what I've wrote so far, and now I'm so far along since I've posted before the gap is just too much to handle. I'll figure it out. Hopefully I can get it up before the end of this week. On a side note, and for those of you wanting spoilers... (don't worry it isn't any big one) Sally's birthday is Saturday... See I've been slacking.

I went camping over the Memorial Day Weekend. I've never experienced allergies this bad. I never want to again. The allergy medicine couldn't even touch it.

Hopefully I'll get a ReadThese up too. I haven't read much but there are a few new ones, or ones I just found a day or two before posting last months. Ugh... Sorry, bad post. Laters

-Dee

MyLife

In case anyone was interested, or noticed I added a new label, sometimes I will talk about myself. And that is what I'm doing here, to talk about myself some more.

I mentioned I twitter. Well I just joined Facebook. You can seek me out using my name or my email which is dtburanek (at) gmail, or you know something like that.

I changed my picture, it is actually of me. Only taken about 5 years ago. And from behind. But you know, its better than nothing right?

My girlfriend is spending the week with her mom. I have to deal with three mongrels, one who is going to be very pissed off at me when he realises his mother is taking a long time to get home. He'll think it is my fault.

I'm hoping to plan something nice for her when she comes home (I'll have to go pick her up)... Keeping in mind it will be waiting in the house for a day or two til we both get back. Or something to bring with me. Keeping in mind that I have no money and this trip to get her will likely cut us short. But I'm cleaning up the house and I know that will make her happy. Now if only I can keep it clean when she's home....

Read These - April09

Update First….

So I haven't gotten a whole heck of a lot of writing done. Life has been life, and life is hard sometimes. What should have been an easy summer is going to be a struggle as my girlfriend tries to find a job. A task made more difficult as she thought she'd be getting one in particular and therefore didn't apply to others, until it was too late. Now she is essentially on 4 different "waiting lists" to see if a crew member drops out and/or they find money to hire someone else. We can’t afford to live here anymore and need to move to a place where we can both have jobs, buy a house and start a family. Gotta love wishful thinking. I’m hoping a bribe of potential grandchildren might help convince my parents to help us out. As long as it doesn't involve moving back in with them. We did that for one month before we came here... It was interesting.

Also I’m reading Twitter now, but not really using it myself all that much. I may or may not get into it. Plus I generally use the computer less during the summer, and find myself outdoors more, particularly camping (this probably means a slowing of already slow posts too). I don't have a fancy iPhone or Blackberry to keep up on it though. But I do like to read it, and I’m following many of the people whose blogs I’m also following. I've picked up quite a few since my last post, and they've been great, commenting on my posts, following one or the other site (Sally appreciates it), sometimes both.
So here are a few sites you should check out… Now not all of them are writer based, but they are fun blogs to read. They are in no particular order…

#1 7Senses
Hey Jude! I've been enjoying her posts, especially the dialogue between her and her wife (they are married in Cali, waiting to know if it will stick) and her letters to her wife. Plus she’s my number one commenter over on Lez and the Country.

#2 Life As An Underage Lesbian
If only I had been so profound at this age. Actually her age I’m not entirely sure about but underage means a lot younger then when I dealt with being gay coming out at age 24. Seriously some good topics and questions as well as crushes on celesbrities. Every young gay girl should read this. As well as every old one!

#3 NewBo
Newbo is very good at keeping us updated about her life. From stressing out about Uni to the awesome sex she has with her girlfriend. Seriously there is a post about this but it’s sweet and lovely. I believe NewBo is a combination of New Lesbo... You can read about how she came up with that in an older post.

#4 Out of My Head/On My Route
Out of My Head is Dar's fiction site. She has 5 stories so far and one of them is a Prologue, which means more is coming. Or you can check out On My Route for some regular ole blog type posts. Dar provided some excellent feedback on the one story I've got posted so far!

#5 the lesbiblog
Kandazzle is getting a “little sister” (Big Brothers, Big Sisters), I commend her for that. A Midwestern Lez who I found after an excellent response to a post on #2 of my list.


There are a few more that I've picked up on, but I either just started or they haven't posted in a while. But I'll post another one of these next month as well as hopefully something else too.