Monday, January 1, 2018
Thursday, March 2, 2017
I was contemplating on this recently, and I wasn't sure where and to whom I should pose the question. I'm curious as to other's answers but I also need to assess my own.
Why do I write?
I consider myself a fiction writer. I also consider myself not very good at it. So, really, why would I keep attempting?
If you take a quick glance at the distance between my posts (or have read the craziness contained within), attempting is a rather accurate description. Back to the "why" question. Or even more so "why are you starting again now, this time, each time..."
Clearly, I'm craving the attention.
This might be funny in the future when I've published real books, (that would be literal, as in a physical item) and/or gained monetary value, and/or have adoring fans who read and comment on my blog posts.
I know... it would help if I were consistent.
A dear friend of mine alluded that in times of crisis, we seek out the familiar. Writing has often been my safe place. I might have never had an audience, nor did I necessarily want one when writing teenage angst in a diary, but it was something that I had to do. And I was certainly never consistent then as I have at least 5 journals all started, most with maybe 10 pages.
The need still applies. Why write? I need to. I just fucking need to.
The stories in my head aren't always mine. They come to me asking to be scribed, and I can only hope I do them justice.
The joke about craving attention aside, and I've become more introverted in my increasing age, I can't ignore the fact that I do want an audience. The same dear friend mentioned above also had posted a meme in regards to that idea. The impatience of waiting for replies to a post. Luckily, the forum is a little busier than the blog.
Or to quote a Mary Lambert song "Girls like us are hardly ever wanted, you know. We're used up and we're sad and drunk and perpetually waiting by the phone for someone to pick up and tell us that we did good."
And so I'll be here waiting by the phone. If I'm lucky it will be a story coming in asking to be told or someone telling I told it well.
Hopefully it's not a creditor. I fucking hate those guys.
Friday, June 29, 2012
She told the truth.
When applying for any job that has a high turn around rate you should never indicate that you have no intention of staying. So when asked if she planned to work at least a year she answered “I don’t know.” It was honest. And she honestly knew the second it came out of her mouth it was the wrong one. But she is an Aries like me. We tend to make poor liars (feel free to make a liar out of me if you have other proof).
I had prepared her as best as I could think of but forgot to remind her about that one important rule. Never make any indication that you are a short timer.
How did I get away with it when I got hired on at the call center? When asked how long I planned to stay I did not lie. I merely avoided the question. I informed them I was looking for a 40 hour per week, permanent, benefited job. Since I had only been working seasonal, and I think I also used the phrase “Getting too old for that crap.”, I let them make the assumption that I was in it for the long haul. Granted I was hoping to find a job that I could go back to when my season was over. That happened to not be the job, but that is a different story.
When I talked to her about it she was wondering how I did it. I explained my wording and how people will just assume. I also told her if she grew up gay she might be a little better at it... In fact now that I think about it this kind of links back to a previous post about how I can gloss over a big part of my life or the one about secrets. Maybe I am a better liar than I thought.
So pretty little liars, when it comes to employment, how often/how severe/just plain how do you lie? Teeny tiny white lies, “The project is coming along fine.” “I have no problem working with him/her.” “I’m sick.” Or do you go all out? “I’ve been working on this project for days!" (in other words I got it done in 10 minutes and have spent all week on Facebook and watching porn). Let me hear it!
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Friendships are hard. Difficult. For me at least.
Let's count down my major friendships over the years.
When we left California, I left a best friend named Denise. And I don't remember much more than that, other than playing in the ball pit at Chuckie Cheese on my 5th birthday. We moved a week later.
I met this girl who I thought looked like a cousin I had just met (my family is Irish/Slav Catholics, I have lots of cousins). But she wasn't. But she did live nearby. We were friends until she moved. I also hung out with a boy who my mom worked with his dad, but we will discuss him later.
Lets fast forward to freshman year in high school. There was a tiny blonde, a frumpy brunette, and a curvy redhead. Sounds like a bad joke huh? Me... I was the frumpy brunette (still am actually just more curvy). Back then with my raging teenage hormones and the fact I didn't know any better I began dating a senior boy. Even though my hormones raged that relationship never got past first and I got dumped. Hindsight says there was something I gave off that indicated a no go. He very shortly after began fucking my best friend, the redhead.
Sure being dumped sucked but the biggest hurt was the teenage drama and complete collapse of my social circle. The redhead was clearly with him and the tiny blonde didn't want to take sides. After a time everyone was clearly on his side. He was an important senior after all and I just a lowly freshman. I had no friends left.
So I made new ones. A bubbly blonde Mormon girl and our snarky younger "daughter" who we took in under our wings. By the time I was senior I was the top dog in the band-nerd social circle. My favorite story from this time, which I heard about many years later.... Remember the redhead who stole my boyfriend? We had grown up and past that and were friends again. But I also had my new group. The two most attractive girls in the nerd herd were the redhead and the bubbly blonde. All the guys were fighting over their attention. But you know what, they were fighting over me! How cool is that?
So college started. I had developed a crush on the snarky younger girl who had blossomed from the shy girl into quite the pretentious bitch. What can I say, I like girls who are kind of mean to me. But that is a story for another time. I chose a college that many of my friends chose too. Including my childhood boy friend. We had been on again off again in terms of friendship and closeness over the years and in college we began to stick together again (he finally got over me breaking up with him before I got into the other high school mess).
The poor kid has an overbearing mother. He was afraid to have any fun. But I had moved past having fun and into a dark space by the time I hit 22. He got tired of being called only when I needed something and never having time for him otherwise. Granted I was a bad friend. But true friends should recognize when you are drowning and do something about it. Yes, at that time the depression sunk in and I was beginning to get an inkling on how gay I was and I was not dealing with it well. So I drowned myself in alcohol. We are no longer friends (the childhood friend *and* the alcohol).
I made a special friend while I was in Scotland for a year learning to be a botanist. She was special because I wouldn't have survived without her. She was special because even though she has had a lot of lesbians hit on her (she went to a Seven Sisters college after all), I was the only one she had considered switching sides for. We don't really talk anymore but I will never consider her anything less than a friend. That was also the year I lived on The Kitten Board and finally started to deal with who I was. It is still in process of course, hence the need for therapy.
Even though I am a "bad friend" I am the one who puts forth the effor for contact 99% of the time now with my old school chums. Thanks to Facebook I can keep track of them with very little effort and update them about my life in case they happen to care.
I have made one friend recently that I am grateful for. I am glad she wore her HRC shirt one day and that I googled her name to find out what she authored that she couldn't talk about at work.
I am grateful for my online buddies. I can hop on chat and they say hello with all caps and lots of exclamation points. Oh and lots of *hugs* too. It makes me feel special.
This topic is being brought up for a reason of course. My girlfriend also has trouble making friends. I am a supreme social butterfly compared to her. But we are both giving and helpful by nature and we tend to occasionally find friends that need a little bit of help. We had a blow up yesterday with these friends. Kind of in the same way other friends have dissolved. It seems there is a point that if we can no longer help, or for the moment that is, then they don't want to be our friend any more. It just happened again and my girlfriend just might be done with making friends.
I should have ended with all the friends I am grateful for because now I am down again. So on a more happy note I am grateful for alll the people that, even though I never talk to them, I know I could call them up or message them and they would help out if they could because they know I would do the same for them.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
The last time I tried it, I talked about everything but the important stuff. Like how I was disappointed in myself for not going to take a walk in the park to visit my squirrel friend that I named Demetri. I only went like 3 times. Either way it got me the doctor's note I needed to pass a class.
Really that is why I ended up at the doctors this time. I required a doctors note to get out of work. But now I'm done with that job and do not have to worry about it anymore.
But I really should persue the therapy thing. The doc gave me a card, but I don't know if I will be able to afford it. I might have to find somewhere cheaper. Or I could keep talking to you folks, my nameless faceless friends (with the exception of like one) who don't judge me. I love you guys. And I will keep you updated.
I should probably get back to work. I mean it is a job I like and all....
Saturday, April 21, 2012
As You Wish
Now I'm well aware that Wish Granted is the popular saying by Vengeance Demons on Buffy the Vampire Slayer but I changed it because I like this better. Besides it is fan fiction and I can do whatever the hell I want, like use characters that I did not create and put them in a story line that is classic (and could even be considered over used). But just go read it.
Monday, April 16, 2012
My paperwork that excuses all my absences is due by tomorrow. I was supposed to go to the doctor this morning. I do not have the money to visit the doctor right now. I had to reschedule. As a new patient I had to reschedule for May 10th, as they only allow so many new patient appointments each week and they are currently full.
I already have given my two week notice, for my last day to be on April 25th. If I do not get my paperwork in by tomorrow I will have to be let go as my points will no longer be excused "pending" and will just be become absences. That is just how it works.
I could go in, make my case and attempt to work my few more days. But honestly I don't want to. I want to be able to have the opportunity to come back once my field season is over but it does not seem likely now. I have been proved unreliable. That and I kind of hate the job, even though it turns out (from my one-on-ones with my supervisor) that I'm actually quite good at it.
Plus there is the whole thing of wanting to move out of my parents house and closer to school, which would have me driving the 100 miles round trip everyday instead of my girlfriend (but my car is more efficient).
So why is the post title "Secrets?"
Because I am going to tell my girlfriend (and my parents) that I went in and plead my case but they sent me home. I am 97% sure they are going to fire me without the paperwork, especially since they have been accommodating enough, and there is only so much rope a person can get.
Why am I posting about it on facebook and my blog? Isn't she going to find out?
Hence the Secrets....
My girlfriend does not read my facebook nor my blog. She doesn't really know about my writing. I mention it. I mention I read but she has no interest. These things do not interest her, especially fiction. Especially fan fiction, she only puts up with Buffy because I like it and her favorite villain is Dark Willow (and as a "kitten" the reason Willow becomes dark is bad) and her favorite season is 7 (along the same lines as to why it is bad).
But I do write under a pseudonym (that is more fun to say the pen name) as well as have the facebook that links to it.
So not only have I been lying to you I also lie to my girlfriend. I am a bad horrible evil person.
But the debate now is really what is okay to keep from your spouse/significant other? Do you have to tell everyone everything? My girlfriend believes that even your other half is not going to be everything you need them to be. That is why people have best friends. People that they can talk to outside their relationship. For me it is the anonymity of the internet. My best friends, the people I share stuff with I don't even know. For my girlfriend it is her mother that she talks to.
For a sort of reference point for this.... We had a blow up recently that involved me "talking" to her cousin's wife. What I said was misinterpreted and then "suggestions" were forced upon my girlfriend making her feel not only inadequate in the bedroom but also like she didn't know me. Because I had never mentioned anything of the sort. That is why I talk to people who do not know my girlfriend. In fact it is why I would rather not talk to anyone who even knows me.
But I'd like to get your thoughts on the subject. So fire away.