Ranting

A lot of stuff has been getting to me recently, so I'm taking this opportunity to bitch. There won't be anything of substance (at least in terms of the actual purpose of this blog).

#1. Just read on VP about Opposite Marriage banned in Texas and I clicked on the CBS link there. And then I read the comments. Us "liburals" better watch out... conservatism is making its way back! Homos better be glad we don't do to them what the do in "muslum" countries. Only they didn't say it as well as I did (at least that first sentence). And when a "libural" calls them out on their grammar and spelling, they lash back... Us "elitist liburals" (I'm looking for that comment now but can't seem to find it anymore) need to talk like regular Americans (or something like that... damn wish I could find that comment!). I'm sorry but all I can think is speaking (and writing) well makes a much more effective argument. It is difficult to listen to such nonsense when you can't even read it.

#2. Watching Rachel Maddow the other night and the recent thing with the Stupak Amendment, my girlfriend and I got into a discussion. I've gotten into this discussion with many people over the years. Most people I know believe (and I used to think the same way) that if you are responsible enough to have sex then you are responsible enough to have a child. Plain and simple (with the health and rape exceptions of course). I was naive back then. But I think that was due to my subconscious knowing that I wasn't interested in having sex with men, so I would never have the problem. But in coming to understand myself, feminism, and especially the rights we have (or don't sometimes) as Americans I changed my mind. I am seriously Pro-Choice. There should not be anything in the law books that takes away the option for women. Why? It isn't because I believe everyone should just be going out and getting abortions willy-nilly. It is because only the woman making that choice is the one who has to deal with it. I'm not saying that churches can't continue their effort to get people to not have abortions. They should, I'm all about education. But I just wish that they would also educate people about safe sex and protection. Doesn't that make sense? If you don't want people having abortions, then let people prevent getting pregnant in the first place. We all know abstinence before marriage doesn't work. It is about options... and therefore Choice.

#3. Choice is really what it is all about in America. Some people still believe that people choose to be gay. That isn't the choice... The choice is whether to be themselves or not. I wish I had the choice to be myself in public and give my girlfriend a quick kiss before we depart. My girlfriend wishes we didn't have to have gay bars and pride parades (she borders on assimilationist which irks me sometimes), but we do because we don't have the choice to go into regular bars and worry that if we hit on the wrong person they won't take it as a compliment, instead they'll hog tie us behind their pickup trucks and drag us down the street.

#4. Republicans in general. Last time I took government, which I know was a while ago, but I understood it as Republicans believe in less government (and therefore state controlled) and Democrats believe in federal government (and states being more or less even in laws and rules). So why is it always Republicans who want a *federal* ban on abortion and gay marriage? Why was Obama (when running for pres) talking about gay marriage being a state decision? I just don't understand.

Well I think I'm running out of steam right now. But I feel a little better getting some stuff off my chest, and finally posting something, even if it isn't really relevant.

So feel free to post comments, thoughts. Am I crazy? Is there something wrong with me? I wouldn't mind more audience participation, so please share....

NaNo Expectations

I believe my posted word count at the moment is around 3300. Keeping in mind that Sunday is the halfway point and therefor I should be closer to 25000. That is a large gap for me to cover over the weekend. But considering it is snowing out and I get paid this weekend, my girlfriend will probably want to go somewhere to play in it. I tend to drive as it is my vehicle. I cannot write and drive.

There are a few things to account for such a low number that I feel the need to make clear. I write in a notebook. I even bought a new one just for the occasion. We actually got a Week Two Pep Talk encouraging NaNo-ers to break away from the keyboard and really experience their writing. There are perks as well, computers make it too easy (and hard to resist the urge) of looking it back over and trying to "fix" stuff. Partly why I write in a notebook is because when I transfer it from print to type it is just my first step of editing. I find it works wonders. But as I type up what I've written so far, I've been very good at not subtracting anything.

Where was I going with this?

Right, so this whole NaNo experience... I'll be truthful. I am not expecting to make it to 50K. If I do, great, but I'm trying to be realistic. I'm in it more for the experience (at least this first time around) than I am "in it to win it". But I thought I would provide you all with very important lessons I've learned so far.

It is called a rough draft for a reason
Seriously don't worry about every little green or red squiggle (actually I type mine up in Google Docs so I don't get squiggles). Don't get stuck if you don't even like what you've written so far. Get over it. Release that anxiety. Just write, you can fix it later, write it better or whatever. Just save it for later...

You don't have to write the story in order
I bought that stupid notebook and now I find myself scribbling on other pieces of paper because it is a later scene that was more prominent in my head and I wanted to get it down. At least I realized that I could do this instead of being stuck on a scene that I don't much care for but wouldn't have gotten anywhere else until I finished it (I speak from experience). Also next time I'll get a 3-ring notebook and some old fashioned college ruled. That way I can move pages around...

But most importantly... I should have tried NaNo earlier when I was single
Girlfriends and Puppy Dogs require a lot of attention. As I sit down to write, I'm needed for something. I get up and do it. I often don't get back to my notebook. This is partly why I'm having realistic expectations. I don't have a whole lot of time to myself and sometimes when I do, I don't want to do anything.

So it isn't that I'm not trying. I'm greatful for this experience and it will help me to become a better writer. Isn't that the point? 'Nuff said.

Good Vibes and Karma (and maybe a Kindle)

In another effort to procrast my NaNo, and to spread the love I'm writing up something you should all know about. See I've been trying to be a better writer by being a better reader (slash listener) and reaching out. Not only is it good to reach out because there are those (who like me) love to see comments and responses, but it is also good PR. And if I wish to have more followers and comments I need to participate in the community more. It's a full circle kind of thing, just go with it...

I've seen this happen on a few blogs. They are contests. Followers get an entry, writing a comment gets another, and blogging about it on your own blog gets the third. I like this idea. I may try it someday when I have something totally awesome to give away.

But for now you should go check out Lisa and Laura Write: Spread the Love, Win a Kindle. And those two lucky sisters (who can also be referred to as LiLa) are going to be published in 2011 by Sourcebooks for their novel - The Haunting of Pemberly Brown. It's a YA mystery, which works because this supposed kindle that is up for offering is a mysterious kindle. I followed some of the other links and read about the book. I might not be a young adult anymore but I certainly will be on the lookout in Spring '11 for this...

Also the blog is fairly entertaining totally awesomeness...

Saving Books

I'm a bit behind in my NaNoWriMo, I should be around 5K words but only 1500. I've only written one day, is why. Yesterday I found myself at the library. I felt I needed more research. But while searching for some research, I found another book. I had recently read about it on afterellen.com in an older post under the "Across the Page." I was there trying to remember some authors I should check out for general lesbian fiction (as the fantasy/sci-fi genre for lesbian and gay fiction, while it does exsist, is a bit harder to find, at least for me). Plus I'm always a fan of the classics.

So while searching through the fiction section, I happened to see the book title "Patience and Sarah." It rang a bell so I pulled it out. Sure enough I had seen a similiar cover recently on "Across the Page." I brought it to the counter. The librarian opened it, turned it around on all its sides and goes, "You just saved a book." Apparently, if her boss had found it, would have tossed it as it wasn't barcoded and tagged in the new system. I feel good about saving it, though I doubt anyone will find it and read it willingly. And if so by mistakingly, perhaps a younger person, if found by their parents will have it taken away and brought back to the library and demand it be burned. So I'll admit, I am currently living in Hicksville (Similar to Sally's, but not where I live exactly), which I'm trying like hell to get away from, but so far no one has even nibbled on my resume.

That reminds me, I need to check on one I submitted, it would allow me a maximum of 4 months off each year which I would love to devote to writing. Send your positive thoughts and good luck. I'll finish Patience and Sarah (almost did last night) and get back to my NaNoWriMo, as I have another library book coming in on loan, but this one is actually useful and research... I swear!

I'm Going To Do It

Do ya'll know that November is National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). And I'm going to participate. You should too, and be my buddy!

So that probably means that Sally will be on another break again, as I put a lot of time and effort into my fantasy novel, the one that has inspired me to start writing again in the first place which then prompted me to practice my writing skills with Sally. See so it's all important and connected.

Here is my NaNo profile: click me! and that is it for now. I promise I've got Sally mostly mapped out from here I just got to find the time to get it typed up and posted. But that is stressful so instead I'm going to push myself to be crazy and get 50K words about a world I have created and I'm a bit scared! Here goes nothing!

Coming Out To Yourself

Okay I keep reading more and I'm just going to post this. The plan was to post it for National Coming Out Day (the 11th of this month folks). But I can't wait. Because two of the Read-These I was going to post today have written about it as well. So here goes.

Thank you Two Moms with a Plan for inspiring this. And Thanks to Femme Fairy Godmother who wrote her story too.

Everyone old enough remembers the "Puppy Episode" of Ellen right? When was that? I googled it 1997. I could have sworn it was earlier. I would have been 16-17. Like I said, seems like I was younger, that or I've just gotten too old already. But back to my point. I remember watching the episode. I remember wondering if I too were like her. I dismissed it however and I was merely a tomboy... A nerdy tomboy.

In high school my friends and I were fun people. We did funny things. Somehow the joke became that I was married to my friend Nickie and our little youngin Ashley (she was two years younger than us) was our adopted love child. In a way that is how our strange triangle worked. We were partners in crime and we had both taken little Ashley under our wing. Of course it isn't fun without some drama, so Nickie left me for a man and little Ash had to deal with her Moms being divorced and fighting over her. That is how it went. We thought it was funny. I always thought it hit a little close to home. I never really dated, though there was this one guy I hung out with a lot. Most people assumed we were dating, because we went to Prom and all that. Then the joke became that I got married to him. He was nice enough sure, and would have made a great husband (he really would have done anything for me). I would have travelled the world as an Army Wife. But I just couldn't do it. Didn't know why, just knew that it wasn't there.

Then I got to college. I made new friends. There were a few boys who I thought were cute. And I'll admit now I saw a few girls I thought were cute too. I was (inwardly) going through the "I must be bi" phase. This is apparently a common transition for many lesbians. But like I said, it was inward, almost to the point where I wouldn't even admit it. I never did anything to show my interest in girls. It was too risky. I had made a joke with my Mom about my friend from highschool and the reason why we were going to be roommates (we weren't though, but that would have been strange because she was the girl who stole my boyfriend when I was 15). She kind of freaked. My actual roommate made a joke in front of my brother, he freaked too. I took this as a sign. They didn't respond well to jokes, how would they respond to the real thing?

I kept all signs and thoughts hidden. But I should have known. I'd come home during the holidays or extended weekends and my mother would inform me who'd call (as they'd expect I'd be in the area). She'd always list the boys first. Mitch and Kenny. "Uh huh, that's nice mom." Then she'd tell me Ashley had called. I'd drop whatever I was doing and head for the phone. That is right, that Ashley. My supposed "daughter" and I was feeling all Woody Allen for her. Only I didn't know it yet. It wasn't until she came to college too, not the same one as me, but one right near by. Near enough that I could visit and hang out. And I tried, but she was grown up, unavailable and didn't need me anymore. I didn't see her as often as I would have liked.

So one day I'm thinking about it. Like about the bi part. There are two people that I had crushes on. A guy in my classes, he was real cool, but he had a girlfriend (she was cute, but a bitch). And Ashley. At the time I would have taken either. Until I had a dream one night. A very vivid, naked, sweaty hot dream. And I thought about it more. Sure I had a crush on the guy but when it came down to what was going down in the dream... I realized I had no interest. So then it was just down to me in the closet, suffering. And drinking... A lot. And attempting to sleep with guys in an effort to deny my true self. I said attempt, luckily in all the drunkenness it never came to be.

So I left the country. But I didn't take advantage of my new start. Instead I sunk deeper. Staying up all hours of the night devouring fan fiction, particularly enjoying the more adult rated stories, and at the same time realizing my dream to write again like I did when I was younger. Also sleeping during the day and missing my classes. To the point where I was teetering on the edge of pass or fail. I saw a counselor. I said "I'm gay" out loud. But that didn't help because I didn't talk. I even had one more night of drunkenness when I woke up with a bloke in my bed (again only an attempt, too drunk to go through it). And I had finally come out to myself. What a mess I was. I had to see a doctor. I got a prescription to help with my depression and anxiety, especially my anxiety. That gave me another test run for my parents. They took the news of me medicating myself fairly well. My dad just wanted me to be happy. Things started to look up.

So I made it back home. Met some nice girls online, and some crazy ones too. Came out to my parents only 11 days after National Coming Out Day, after going to a gay pride film festival the night before (on a date!) and seeing GirlPlay, the scene with Robin and her Mom was very inspirational. And I've already wrote about that day last year (did I post it here? I don't know... might have to do that) so I'll spare the details.

So please, feel free to share. When did you come out to yourself?

And don't forget to Read These (Summer Edition)
1: Two Moms with a Plan - self explanatory
2: Femme Fairy Godmother - self explanatory
3: Canadian Hope - I won't lie, I have dreams of going off to Canada as well. But these two guys had to go in order to be together, as the US has no provisions for sponsoring citizenship if you can't be "properly" married.

Getting Caught Up

I've written up 3 posts this morning (I'm going to give them a look over and then post them). And I've mapped out all the late posts that need to be up to get me back on track for lezcountry.blogspot.com!

I haven't been working on any other stories, or much of anything at the moment. But the cold is starting to creep in and I'll want to find myself curled up on the couch in a blanket with my notebook and a cup of tea.

And hopefully I'll have a Summer edition (now that it is fall!) of Read-These because there are a few things that I found that I need to share!