I'm Going To Do It

Do ya'll know that November is National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). And I'm going to participate. You should too, and be my buddy!

So that probably means that Sally will be on another break again, as I put a lot of time and effort into my fantasy novel, the one that has inspired me to start writing again in the first place which then prompted me to practice my writing skills with Sally. See so it's all important and connected.

Here is my NaNo profile: click me! and that is it for now. I promise I've got Sally mostly mapped out from here I just got to find the time to get it typed up and posted. But that is stressful so instead I'm going to push myself to be crazy and get 50K words about a world I have created and I'm a bit scared! Here goes nothing!

Coming Out To Yourself

Okay I keep reading more and I'm just going to post this. The plan was to post it for National Coming Out Day (the 11th of this month folks). But I can't wait. Because two of the Read-These I was going to post today have written about it as well. So here goes.

Thank you Two Moms with a Plan for inspiring this. And Thanks to Femme Fairy Godmother who wrote her story too.

Everyone old enough remembers the "Puppy Episode" of Ellen right? When was that? I googled it 1997. I could have sworn it was earlier. I would have been 16-17. Like I said, seems like I was younger, that or I've just gotten too old already. But back to my point. I remember watching the episode. I remember wondering if I too were like her. I dismissed it however and I was merely a tomboy... A nerdy tomboy.

In high school my friends and I were fun people. We did funny things. Somehow the joke became that I was married to my friend Natalie and our little youngin Andrea (she was two years younger than us) was our adopted love child. In a way that is how our strange triangle worked. We were partners in crime and we had both taken little Andi under our wing. Of course it isn't fun without some drama, so Natalie left me for a man and little Andi had to deal with her Moms being divorced and fighting over her. That is how it went. We thought it was funny. I always thought it hit a little close to home. I never really dated, though there was this one guy I hung out with a lot. Most people assumed we were dating, because we went to Prom and all that. Then the joke became that I got married to him. He was nice enough sure, and would have made a great husband (he really would have done anything for me). I would have travelled the world as an Army Wife. But I just couldn't do it. Didn't know why, just knew that it wasn't there.

Then I got to college. I made new friends. There were a few boys who I thought were cute. And I'll admit now I saw a few girls I thought were cute too. I was (inwardly) going through the "I must be bi" phase. This is apparently a common transition for many lesbians. But like I said, it was inward, almost to the point where I wouldn't even admit it. I never did anything to show my interest in girls. It was too risky. I had made a joke with my Mom about my friend from highschool and the reason why we were going to be roommates (we weren't though, but that would have been strange because she was the girl who stole my boyfriend when I was 15). She kind of freaked. My actual roommate made a joke in front of my brother, he freaked too. I took this as a sign. They didn't respond well to jokes, how would they respond to the real thing?

I kept all signs and thoughts hidden. But I should have known. I'd come home during the holidays or extended weekends and my mother would inform me who'd call (as they'd expect I'd be in the area). She'd always list the boys first. Mike and Kurt. "Uh huh, that's nice mom." Then she'd tell me Andi had called. I'd drop whatever I was doing and head for the phone. That is right, that Andi. My supposed "daughter" and I was feeling all Woody Allen for her. Only I didn't know it yet. It wasn't until she came to college too, not the same one as me, but one right near by. Near enough that I could visit and hang out. And I tried, but she was grown up, unavailable and didn't need me anymore. I didn't see her as often as I would have liked.

So one day I'm thinking about it. Like about the bi part. There are two people that I had crushes on. A guy in my classes, he was real cool, but he had a girlfriend (she was cute, but a bitch). And Andi. At the time I would have taken either. Until I had a dream one night. A very vivid, naked, sweaty hot dream. And I thought about it more. Sure I had a crush on the guy but when it came down to what was going down in the dream... I realized I had no interest. So then it was just down to me in the closet, suffering. And drinking... A lot. And attempting to sleep with guys in an effort to deny my true self. I said attempt, luckily in all the drunkenness it never came to be.

So I left the country. But I didn't take advantage of my new start. Instead I sunk deeper. Staying up all hours of the night devouring fan fiction, particularly enjoying the more adult rated stories, and at the same time realizing my dream to write again like I did when I was younger. Also sleeping during the day and missing my classes. To the point where I was teetering on the edge of pass or fail. I saw a counselor. I said "I'm gay" out loud. But that didn't help because I didn't talk. I even had one more night of drunkenness when I woke up with a bloke in my bed (again only an attempt, too drunk to go through it). And I had finally come out to myself. What a mess I was. I had to see a doctor. I got a prescription to help with my depression and anxiety, especially my anxiety. That gave me another test run for my parents. They took the news of me medicating myself fairly well. My dad just wanted me to be happy. Things started to look up.

So I made it back home. Met some nice girls online, and some crazy ones too. Came out to my parents only 11 days after National Coming Out Day, after going to a gay pride film festival the night before (on a date!) and seeing GirlPlay, the scene with Robin and her Mom was very inspirational. And I've already wrote about that day last year (did I post it here? I don't know... might have to do that) so I'll spare the details.

So please, feel free to share. When did you come out to yourself?

And don't forget to Read These (Summer Edition)
1: Two Moms with a Plan - self explanatory
2: Femme Fairy Godmother - self explanatory
3: Canadian Hope - I won't lie, I have dreams of going off to Canada as well. But these two guys had to go in order to be together, as the US has no provisions for sponsoring citizenship if you can't be "properly" married.

Getting Caught Up

I've written up 3 posts this morning (I'm going to give them a look over and then post them). And I've mapped out all the late posts that need to be up to get me back on track for lezcountry.blogspot.com!

I haven't been working on any other stories, or much of anything at the moment. But the cold is starting to creep in and I'll want to find myself curled up on the couch in a blanket with my notebook and a cup of tea.

And hopefully I'll have a Summer edition (now that it is fall!) of Read-These because there are a few things that I found that I need to share!

Anger

I've got a new iGoogle set up, from which I'm typing this blog. A new month, a renewed sense that I need to get a lot done. Above this box I'm typing in is my horoscope. It tells me that since I haven't been able to get my annoyance out of my system it could build into anger. Ha... perhaps it also has some idea of just how much anger I've got going right now.

My girlfriend calls me to tell me the bill money is missing. Checks to see if I had accidently grabbed it. We check every where of course (the whole house is tore apart). She had come and picked me up for lunch just to have an extra set of eyes. I even cleaned the house last night so if it did get misplaced from when it was seen this morning it should be easy to find.

But there is always more to the story. My girlfriend is what I like to call a "reader." She seriously can read people like they are books. To simplify it, she is pretty sure where it went and who took it. All I can keep focusing on is why do we even bother to make friends? I want to be a hermit. I want to live in a cave. As long as I can access the internet I'd be happy, I'd even take something as slow as dialup. At least I'd find the time to write then huh?

My horoscope also tells me not to project my frustration at others and search for the source of the problem within. But like I said, there is always more to the story. I had a mental breakdown on Friday due to the strain that life in general (or life as it has been in the past year or so) has put on my relationship. Too much stress, too much crap, and even more drama when other people get involved. I seriously need to get away, with my girl, before it gets to the point where she gets away from me and I never see her again.

I've got my brother's wedding coming up soon. My family also puts a lot of strain on my relationship.

Also I have cramps and I just downed a Mtn Dew (which is much different that the usual diet cola's I drink). At least some good thing is coming out of this. I suddenly feel the motiviation to write....

Seriously In Need of Update

Does anyone listen to Gym Class Heroes? My girlfriend bought The Papercut Chronicles and one of my favourites songs is Graduation Day. Go check it out if you haven't heard it yet. Every time I think about what happened recently I think of a line from it. "Karie Ann died in a crash leaving the funeral"....

Well no one died in a crash recently, although I did attempt to kill myself, my girlfriend and her cousin on our way home after her Grandma died so we could pack up and head to the funeral. I'm okay, my girlfriend might need surgery on her arm (she was asleep with her arm out the window got banged up pretty good), it doesn't even look like I hit that damn reflector, and the deer pranced off like nothing happened. Oh and the car wasn't a total loss.. Hopefully it will be taken in sometime today and be spruced up, continuing on the road and continuing to cost me more that I can afford right now. But I did have gap insurance just in case it was a loss. Oh did I also mention I just changed insurance companies.... I'm sure they were happy to take me on with my nice clean record, only to foot a hefty bill with only one payment made.

I'm not much further than I posted before on the lezcountry blog. I've got a few posts written and many thought out but none of it has made it through the keyboard and online yet. Today would have been a good day to get to work on that but I didn't even bring my notebook. I haven't even had time to check blogger that often to catch up on everyone else. Therefor I don't even have any read-these. Although I did find another literary agent blog with some useful info and linking through the company site find an agent that looks at LGBT stuff but isn't accepting anything right now. Which is fine because I don't have anything right now, I've barely been writing.

Well that might be all for now, hopefully I'll get over this lovely hump in my life right now and get back to writing. Thanks for those of you sticking it out and still checking in on me.

Read These - May09

Alrighty. I found a wee bit of time. Let's do this.

First Category: Writing Stuff.

#1 Wylie-Merrick Literary Agency
Useful for many resons. Looking for an agent? I don't feel I'm to that point yet. However, the useful information for those in that stage of getting a book published is still useful for those even further back than I am. I even followed the guy on twitter. I was feeling a bit inspired when I found this blog. Then I got busy....

#2 Editorial Ass
A "recovering editorial assistant" with a wealth full of knowledge and humor. Again, useful information for those hoping to get published.

Second Cateogory: Fun Stuff.

#3 Pretty Witty And...
I mean Props for the name of the blog alone. Ingenious. If you haven't heard about Anne Neczypor yet, google her, watch the clips, download the podcasts (which has unfortunately ended), read her blog! The best blog ever (you know besides mine). She writes too, so this could go in either category.

#4 Dyked Out
Just go read it. Entertaining. Dawg is awesome.

#5 Dogs Against Vick
I found the link as recently posted by Dawg (see #4). Follow, Follow, Follow. If you care about pets at all. Donate if you can (wish I could).

That is all. Oh wait an article to alleviate some of the stresses about this whole California being stupid thing. The Big Gay Shrug.

Where To Even Begin

Yeah sorry I've been so busy lately. I've been slowly working on a post for Lez and the Country but haven't gotten it up yet. I don't like it what I've wrote so far, and now I'm so far along since I've posted before the gap is just too much to handle. I'll figure it out. Hopefully I can get it up before the end of this week. On a side note, and for those of you wanting spoilers... (don't worry it isn't any big one) Sally's birthday is Saturday... See I've been slacking.

I went camping over the Memorial Day Weekend. I've never experienced allergies this bad. I never want to again. The allergy medicine couldn't even touch it.

Hopefully I'll get a ReadThese up too. I haven't read much but there are a few new ones, or ones I just found a day or two before posting last months. Ugh... Sorry, bad post. Laters

-Dee