Lez Represent

Clearly I've been busy what with not posting stuff to my blog...

I should have kept up on my EFA Podcast listens. I could have talked about how awesome ClexaCon was (and shared photos). But instead I'm going to share with you what I wrote in response to some general questions Erica sent to me before chatting with her on her podcast Lez Represent.

Tell us about yourself -When was the first time you became aware of lesbians/queers as a thing -when did you realize you were a lesbian/queer -when did you come out -was it what you expected -are there any unexpected things about being a lesbian /queer you didn't realize or think about.

And because I automatically write blog post style, here was my response...

I wish I could remember the first time I was aware of queers. I remember too many times where I thought back and went, wow, but at the time I was a fairly oblivious person (still am actually). People who I had encountered in life and it was much later I realized they were queer. People who were obviously different and I never remember them actively hiding it, but I also grew up in Idaho so they likely weren’t waving the rainbow flag. It was a more subtle form of “we’re here, we’re queer, get used to it.” But really the earliest I can truly pin-point, with actual words, must have been Ellen. And I loved that show. I watched it faithfully. I identified with Ellen. But when she came out I shut it down. And I didn’t come back around to it until much later.

Actually I’m sure I had an inkling if not before that moment then exactly at that moment. I’m sure if I found my journals it would be so obvious to me now in the faded pencil and tear stains. I knew I was different but I never had the words. It is actually why queer is a great word, its original use merely meant different. I think I even went through an asexual phase, if I wasn’t interested in sex with males, then I must not be interested in sex. I also went through a bisexual phase, I had two crushes at that time, the girl I went to high school with (I loved it when she was mean to me) and the super nice guy in my college class. But when I really looked at who I was interested in, sexually, it became obvious where I sat on the scale. I was definitely a lesbian. And I became an alcoholic because I didn’t deal with it well.

I first came out to my friend/roommate one drunken night. It was my last year or two in college, I was legally drinking then. I don’t remember it, or didn’t at the time, and afterwards she used to tease me about being a lesbian. I denied it of course, but I wanted to scream “If you’d leave me alone about it, maybe I eventually will.” I actually developed a thing for her too. In fact, when I “came out” to her, the fuzzy flashes I had later, were of me begging her to sleep with me. She was so mean to me (you may be sensing a pattern). She said that was her way of letting me know she was okay with it, but it did not help. It actually did the opposite. But then I graduated college and ran off to the other side of the world for grad school where I would be free from all the people I knew, I could be open, I could start new and be myself and….

Nope.

I was in a more accepting country and yet I still…. I just didn’t. And being far away from everything I knew I turned inward. I had just become an obsessed Buffy fan that summer and brought all of my DVDs (the 7th season had not come out yet, but I ordered it online and had my parents send it to me) and I watched them continuously. I had always identified with Willow when I watched it as it first aired those first 3 seasons, so when I finally caught up all I missed when I (and the Scooby gang) was in college, everything made a lot more sense. If only I had seen Willow and Tara my freshman year when it aired, I would have known then. I would have known deep in my bones and there would have been no denying it. This is where representation in media matters. Without Willow and Tara on my screen (or frankly any movie where women were kissing), it would have been easy to keep denying. But then I found The Kittenboard and found my tribe. With the help of my online friends, and reading lots and lots of smutfic, I dealt with coming out to myself. Accepting myself. Learning to come out. I went to a counsellor and finally said the words out loud “I’m gay.” Then I came out to my brother, then the boy from high school who I knew was still in love with me, and then I went home. I came out to my parents and then I came out to all of my friends by telling them I finally came out to my parents.

I knew deep down that I would be okay when I came out to my parents but that didn’t stop the fear and anxiety that gripped my life and held it at a standstill for so long. I knew they would be okay, eventually. The most important factors for me were telling them first, so they didn’t hear about it from someone else, and telling them before I had a girlfriend. I had seen and read one too many stories about how disastrous either of those things could be. If the parents weren’t okay and found out from someone else and confronted their child… If the parents were okay and found out from elsewhere, they would be upset that their child wasn’t comfortable enough or didn’t trust them enough to come out. They would be disappointed… And that, the “D” word, is my trigger. The idea of disappointing my parents… Their perfect daughter, who got good grades and didn’t get into trouble, would disappoint them.

Like I’ve mentioned before, when it comes to expectations, me coming out was not unexpected to them. Their reaction was not unexpected to me. It worked how I figured it would. There would be crying, and my parents would eventually transition from uncomfortable with the idea to okay, and I’d even say they finally made it to the proud. What helped, especially my mother, the most was learning that she wasn’t alone. When she reconnected with her friends from her younger days (thanks Facebook), and learned that they too had queer children, I think that is when she really fully accepted it. I think people tend to forget that just us, being ourselves out in the world is some of the most important representation we have.

One expectation that has surprised me is when I first came out, I didn’t realize just how often I would have to keep coming out. Or assess a situation to make sure it was safe to come out. Or realize how hard it was to have a normal conversation in a work environment if it isn’t safe to come to out. I was living and working Idaho, a right to work state, where they could fire me for being gay. But I have ended living most of my early being out life much like the ones I remember from my childhood. I wouldn’t often outright declare I was lesbian, and sometimes I would play the pronoun game, but I would rarely outright lie or deny. If people made assumptions back then about the gender of the person in my life, then that was their deal. If people assumed that my roommate and I were just friends living together, I didn’t feel the need to correct them. Sometimes people will only see what they want to see.

Unless I am seriously uneasy, I correct people now. Sometimes I will generically use the word spouse (I actually like it), or mention I am married and when they ask about my husband, I correct them to wife. Sometimes I just throw out wife and watch their facial expressions change and they take in the word, which is generally just surprise and not usually in a bad way. Of course, more people are surprised to hear my wife and I have been together for 12 years.

And as much as I would like to go on about my wife she is a rather private person. I'm sure I'll say too much when we chat later. And I'm sure I'll totally ramble on and say "uh..." a lot.

Okay that last paragraph was not what I sent to Erica, there were more questions but it got late and I got tired. It is late again and I'm still tired (I'm always tired). So enjoy me talking about being a lesbian on the Lez Represent Podcast!

Contemplative

I have been a lot more active on Twitter and a lot less on Tumblr. I have been busy with my own Podcast and listening to a bunch of others. Life has been overwhelming and I miss my wife and our dogs.

But a few things have brought me to sitting down and writing tonight. I was on Twitter and saw Lez Represent Podcast talking about their latest episode featuring LezWatchTV. I had already seen Lez Represent and intended to listen to it a while ago (but life, work, busy, etc…) and I finally sat down to type up some paperwork and hit play. Then I tweeted about listening to that episode.  If you want to see many long conversations just follow the threads and re-tweets.

Part of this conversation talked about coming out. I mentioned, “I think I wrote a blog post about that.” Which I did, but it wasn’t the story I thought it was. Reading it again was a little bit eye-opening, and having a conversation about representation on the media also made me contemplative.

In other words, prepare for rambling.

I know I’ve written my coming-out story before. I’m sure if I dug around The Kitten Board I can find it, copy/paste and just be done with it. Which I might still go dig it up later because that will certainly be an earlier (fresher) perspective of it and it would be interesting to compare that to how I view it now.

Timeline: I graduated from my master’s program in 2005, returning home that September from Scotland. Read Mixtape to learn about that girl I was in love with back then. But that was the time I had really come out to myself. And during that time I had used Match.com and went on a few dates. A month or two before I was to return home I went ahead and changed my searches to back home. I started talking with one woman with the intention of when I returned home we might start dating. She eventually wrote me an apology, saying she had gone out to the club and met a woman in person. Turns out this gal she met I knew from college. Which was cool because when I got back we all hung out and it was nice to be around gay people like me. (Side note, glad this college friend took this woman off my hands, they had a disastrous relationship and I think oh shit, that could have been me!)

But I was still looking for a girlfriend so I talked to more women online. Agreed to meet up with one at a coffee shop and we found out later that night was a gay film festival and they were screening Girl Play. We agreed to meet later that night. And here is another point where REPRESENTATION MATTERS, especially in the media. If I had not seen this movie, who knows how long it would have been before I had the courage to come out.  If I had not seen Willow and Tara, I would not have been absolutely sure about myself. If I had not seen Kissing Jessica Stein (as much as people generally dislike this movie), I could have kept dismissing feelings about other women.

Back to my original coming out (to myself) post, if I had not seen Ellen…. Well back then I dismissed it. This is where POSITIVE REPRESENTATION MATTERS. I had seen the negative, the backlash. I suspect now that my own dismissal was entirely influenced by how the world dismissed Ellen.  I remember my Mom asking me about it, why I stopped watching the show myself (before it got canceled). I remember telling her it became serious and wasn’t as funny anymore. I’m sure there is a lot more to unpack here but hopefully, you get what I’m saying.

October 21, 2005. I see a movie. October 22, 2005. I come out to my parents.

I had already planned to actually. When I returned from Scotland I went to visit my brother in Portland. He was one of the first I came out to while I was in Scotland. We went to Powell’s Bookstore. I bought a book about coming out I thought might be helpful to my parents (it apparently wasn’t), and a lesbian romance novel, and a strange book about botany in some parallel universe. I was just waiting for the right time.

I was living with my other brother at the time. He was gone and I was going to go see my old high school marching band march in the district competition with my friend (we were both Drum Majors, and her little sister was now taking the field in that position). So I drove to my parents’ house to drop off my brother’s dog since no one would be home and I nervously sat down and said I had something to tell them.

I really don’t remember how I said it. “Mom, Dad, I’m gay.” Those might have been my words. What I do remember is my heart pounding. What I do remember is my mother saying “I’ve been dreading this day.” What I do remember is lots of crying. What I do remember is dropping this bomb, my mother wanting to talk more, and me leaving them with that book I bought to go watch the marching band.

They said they suspected. Apparently, something popped up on the internet about lesbians once. They asked about that girl in Scotland if she was my girlfriend (she did have short hair after all). I don’t even remember if all of these things had been discussed that day or the next. My mother thought she had done something wrong. Was it the complications of my birth or the drugs the hospital had her on? Had she done something or not done enough, something that made me this way?  It was all very confusing to her.

Ironic that I paused last night in writing the above paragraph and today I was (still am) playing catch up on Buffering the Vampire Slayer, and the episode for Becoming Part 2 where Kristin and Jenny talk about the coming out parallel for Buffy. I wish the book I had given my parents was the one by Kristin Russo. It was just super relevant to hear that episode after I mention my mother blaming herself. I feel the universe just balances itself sometimes. It also likes to think it is funny (and can have a cruel sense of humor sometimes).

It was a rather big deal for me to come out to my parents first, with the exception of about 5 people, I wanted my parents to be first because I didn’t want them to find out through someone else.  Then I came out to everyone else by saying “So I came out to my parents the other day.” As I have mentioned before, most people were not surprised. I did lose a few friends, they said I had changed. But as I came to realize, I had not changed, I had finally become the person I was and no longer the suck-up who was overcompensating and constantly seeking approval from my peers. They didn't like that I was no longer constantly available to them. Plus, there is also a whole thing about these “friends” of mine disliking my wife, but we can save that for another story time (maybe).

I understand I am extremely lucky in my coming-out. Sure my mother’s words hurt but in the overall scheme of things (and how I find it funny now), I can’t be disappointed with my coming-out story. And I’m always glad to share it. Thanks for reading.

Episode 6 - Slow Down

So me planning to get these done weekly is going super well so far.  I do average out to one a week, except I do two in one week after doing none. Well, at least I'm consistent? (I just jinxed myself and won't get the next one done later this week will I?)



01:02  DW and I have mentioned our time as Willow/Tara shippers and where we met, a forum called The Kitten Board.  So this is your gentle reminder, yes that is where we know Laragh from. And to also remind you from Episode 1, she is the reason we finally succumbed to reading Wayhaught Fic! Because she wrote one.

01:31  I already feel so ridiculously eloquent in this episode...

02:35  Hopefully you still like us?

03:02  Me defining Slow Burn Fic. OMG. Seriously WTF. I really need to take better notes, or script myself or something. Shit.... this is terrible.

04:39  See me choose fics that are not DW's ideal of Slow Burn.

09:07  Yes, I did not experience any one night stands during college.

10:16  I'm wrong.

14:06  Yes! Thank you Laragh for reading and being on the podcast. Disclaimer: I did not get the chance to read this massive fic, I did not have the time. I am glad DW had someone to talk to about it!

15:14  See, that is a genuinely surprised noise I am making right there

16:43  SHOUT OUT TO THE FAN FIC AUTHORS!

23:30  I don't think I could ever be as cool as @BotanyIsBest, I'm not that great of a shit talker.

So yeah.... I just kind of stopped. Let me make another disclaimer: prior episodes I happened to give a listen post-production, pre-airing of the episodes at least once. This episode was my first listen through so I was enjoying listening to it and stopped making notes to share with you, especially once we got to the interview portion, since I wasn't there to hear it in person.  Hopefully you were enjoying listening to it too.

Okay cool so it is past my bedtime... Goodnight everybody

Episode 5 - Ranch Life

So to deviate from the regularly scheduled program, I wanted to take a moment to discuss a thing before I get into Episode 5.

You may have seen something about that incident of hate on various social media. As a producer of content, and as a person who abhors conflict in general, I tend to default to "stay the fuck out of it." It makes me sad, especially in a fandom that is super supportive, when non-supportive things happen. But my other default is I feel inadequate in expressing my feelings properly and more, the fear of expressing them incorrectly and being misinterpreted.  This incident seems to show what can happen when things are misinterpreted.

I don't deal well at all when I feel attacked.

And I don't want to be seen attacking others when I disagree with them, so I generally just don't disagree. If it is something I disagree with, I try not to agree either, which I understand is dumb because silence is often taken as agreement.

I know by typing this, I am opening myself up to some of that vitriol being directed towards me. But there comes a point when you do have to stand up for yourself and what you believe in.

If you personally attacked Ray Galletti about his #RayHaught comment, or support those that did, you can just leave. I don't need you to read my stuff, listen to the podcast, or support me. I'm okay with that. And don't call yourself an #Earper. GTFO.

I don't want to hear "everyone is entitled to their opinions." You are, and I'm entitled to think you are an asshole because of them. I doubt you will be reading past this (if you even made it here in the first place), but if you are please don't forget that what you are doing is going to ruin what is the most supportive cast I have ever seen. And frankly, we already have too many stupid rules and things ruined by some asshole that didn't have common decency. Honestly, a big part of my current employment is because people can't be trusted to do the right fucking thing.

I mean I could keep going, there are plenty terrible things in this world to rant about, but let us return to our regularly scheduled programming and talk about wonderful things.



01:02  Will we ever stop being in awe of our episode count when we record?  Actually, I think we didn't "wow" as much when we recorded earlier... But still paused when DW said the episode number.

03:12  Frankly, I never know what I'm saying.

05:31  Photographic Evidence (and yes this is from the scene mentioned at ~26:17 that inspired the fic)

10:25  I realize how it sounds when I ask questions like this. It really sounds like I have not read the fic at all. But I promise I have terrible memory so unless something sticks out like things that I connect with very personally, or DW reminds me (because frankly I had not remembered the "Haught-stuff / Boss" thing until she talked about it), then it just doesn't stick in my brain.

12:10  I have a story about "bodice ripper paperbacks" and why I know about them. It certainly wasn't because I read them. Actually, I was an asshole and would make fun of the girls who would read these things. I realize now what a dick move that was since I do read and write lesbian smut, but that is the thing about growing up, having these realizations. I had a few friends that would read these things. One friend (actually a friend of a friend who I hadn't known very well), had stayed with me a few nights at Uni waiting for our mutual friend to arrive. I had just arrived in Scotland at the time for grad school and she purchased so many souvenirs  that she had to leave behind a rather sizable stack of these paperbacks.  They stayed on my bookshelf for an entire year because who throws away books!  Then I had another friend visit towards the end of my schooling, and she was one I used to tease relentlessly about her paperback consumption, so I was able to pawn them off on her. I'm fairly certain I was so embarrassed by them that even though I kept them on my bookshelf, the spines were not facing out.

14:44  Only 25 acres. The thing about the cow farm I grew up on, is the land was not well suited for growing much of anything. I've picked a lot of rocks actually, so we grow rocks really well. And cheatgrass. But alfalfa or pasture grass? Nope. Especially not without an adequate irrigation system, which was expensive and we did not have. I also dug a lot of ditch growing up.

15:54  I think when my siblings and I were younger, naming cows was fun. My eldest brother went for the more absurd, like Space Cowboy. I apparently had a thing for TV even back then, as I named one after Blossom, and then her first calf was named Six (of course).  We did eventually start naming them after people.  Actually, the very first bull was named George after my grandfather, so it had always been that way I guess. But my favorite story to tell is we named a cow after Grandma and then proceeded to name her calves after my Aunts and Uncles in order.  Calf number 3, being named after my father, was a female. So we weren't picky about gendered names.

19:26  Chrissy gets mentioned a lot as being a great side character.  I guess a way to win hearts is put Chrissy in your fic and make her a likeable character?

23:02  DW mentioned I was traveling. My wife and I were making our way to California where I now live and work. I had hoped we would be stopped at the right time of day to get in on the recording session but we had not. Again thanks Laragh for stepping in and asking my questions for me.

28:15  Speaking of questions. Cuffs did a great job answering them. And I really like how what DW and I had assumed was personal experience on a ranch was actually just a good job at research.  Granted, she did have what sounds like good experience growing up in a rural area and having worked with horses. I can see how that influenced the writing.

As a side note, for those of you wondering about branding. My family did not brand and I have no personal experience with it. We were too small of an operation to do so. We did ear tag because they did have to be identified in some way. Actually to go back to naming cows, my mother knew them by their names, my father knew them by their numbers.  If people are wondering why do such horrible things in the first place, let me tell you about a story when Lucado of the Livestock Board investigated my parents for stealing cows. I'm joking about Lucado of course, but I'm serious about the investigation.  My parents had taken a couple of cows to the sale. It was a new sale yard, as the usual (and closer) one in our county had closed down.  Someone at the sale yard had presented the cows out of order so what was listed as our cow was a branded cow that was not ours. Having a brand (that is not yours) on a cow that is not supposed to be branded is a big fucking deal. The error was finally realised and my parents are cleared but it was stressful.  So I don't know if that makes anyone feel better about ranch life and marking animals, but it helps to have things clearly identified when you are selling things in the quality of hundreds for thousands of dollars. And you might not think "cattle rustling" is still a thing like it was in the old west, but it still occurs. Just think about stolen pure-bred puppies resold on craigslist, only on a much larger scale.

30:24  I'm glad Cuffs thought I had a good question, and again I appreciate Laragh asking it for me. And I'm glad there was a story there!

33:58  Beyond happy that the door is not closed on more fics from this AU.

45:30  Actually I think this was one of the first fics I read in the fandom too, likely the first or second multi-chapter I read because it was complete.

48:25  Shout-out to Live Journal.  I learned about it and NaNoWriMo from that straight girl I was in love with. This was the around the same time I learned about fan fiction and became a Kitten so, it brings back lots of memories and feels (especially feels about coming out to myself).

Behind-the-scenes:  So despite the technical difficulties I had encountered in the first few episodes, the first segment on this episode was the first time we had to fully re-record because my computer crashed and the audio did not download. Not sure if DW would want me to tell you this but I like sharing these little secrets with you all.

I'm glad you all seem to be liking it, and are all still listening and following and tweeting at us.  Earpers really are THE BEST.

Episode 4 - Dynamic!

So I ended up writing a good portion of this on Sunday and then not posting it. Now it is late and I have Episode 5 still to get to....

But back to Episode 4 - Diverse Dynamics



I'm going to go with a different style here with this episode than I have with my previous. Because when I feel awkward I definitely beat around the bush...

So let us turn to science!  I learned recently, and randomly, from a youtube video about soy (and generally falling down a social media spiral of clicking on things that look interesting), that the original idea of Alpha Wolf is outdated by the scientist who coined the phrase. That original biologist, L. David Mech, who wrote the book "The Wolf: Ecology and Behavior of an Endangered Species," has learned more about wolves than he did when he studied and wrote that book in 1968. Alpha wolf is an outdated notion. One that has been grasped onto by those who wish to to perpetuate that toxic masculinity notion of strong males can do whatever in the hell they want.  And they can suck it because check out these lesbian wolves.  Seriously, I need to stay off of youtube sometimes.

So my wife and I have 3 dogs. I consider our family a pack. If ABO were a thing, here is how it would break down...  My wife is the Alpha. Our oldest (border collie/aussie shepard) is the Beta, and sometimes he will get mildly aggressive during play, especially if there are females in heat on neighboring farms, and will "challenge" my wife (or that is the way we understand it in this pack dynamic notion). The middle child, my baby girl, (similar mix to the oldest since he is, in fact, her father, and her mother was the same mix with some cardigan welsh corgi mixed in), I honestly don't know where she would fit. She is deaf and doesn't give two fucks about much other than food and sleep. She might think she is an Alpha because she can boss her father around. The baby boy (a dachshund), he loves everyone and sort of lives in two different packs (he stays in the house during the day with his friends a boxer and a papillon because his older "siblings" are assholes). And then there is me. The joke is, I'm just the human who feeds them... 

But back to ABO, because the idea does exist and it has become popular in werewolf fiction, and now this non-werewolf ABO specific genre of fiction.

Actually, just listen to the podcast with Jude and Kendrene and their explanations, they are both more eloquent that I.

I'll go back to talking about random things.

So there are some notes I made when I sat down with DW to chat that I didn't get into. Which is fine, the conversation flows how it flows. Also this was before I learned to give DW an idea of some things I wanted to note so she can lead me in properly.

The scent bonding idea struck a chord with me. And I might get TMI, but scent is one of those things that helped clue me into being gay, and also helped clue me into my wife being the one. Acutally, I'll just leave it at that because I will get to the oversharing point very quickly.

My other note that correlates to scent is, in this fic, specific plants are named as scents. As a botanist, which might have been mentioned a few times now, I use scent to aid me in plant identification on occasion.  Want to tell the difference between the rabbitbrushes, especially when you are in that stupid hybrid zone and it kind of looks like both? I would use smell to differentiate. Not that it would ultimately matter in an ecological context, as most often was the focus of the study, because they both occupy the same niche. It is just how some of us scientists operate. Just ask a geologist about licking rocks. But I digress...

So I ended up going on a huge botany spiral in my notes and researching all the plants, which was neat but not ultimately helpful in my chat with DW or when we interviewed Kendrene.

 I might do a special blog about some of the interesting plant factoids I've come across reading fic.  We can even go back to Episode 2 and talk about orange hawkweed...

And last but not least. Some behind-the-scenes fun, shortly after DW pressed the stop recording button the words "I will eat pasta and think of you" were said. 

Episode 3 - Poetry

Look at that, as soon as I hit publish, I'll all be caught up for Monday's Episode 4!

So have yourself a listen while I ramble on about it.



01:55  I'd like to see a show of hands of those who were not avid reads yet that now are...

02:07  Seriously, I have to search so many acronyms and online slang

04:54  I paused and never finished my thought. I was thinking Beta as in the 2nd letter of the alphabet.

06:09  Fanfiction.net, I know a few authors who've had issues over there, which is why I think AO3 has become the more significant fanfiction archive website. I believe they don't have an Explicit or equivalent rating and if they think it is beyond Mature, and someone reports it, it will be taken down. Just checked and it says this "Please note FanFiction does not accept explicit content, Fiction Rating: MA, and the rating is only presented for reference."

08:17  Proof I will read anything she writes. Even though I already have lots to read, the other day I went and checked out one of her Ghostbuster fics (rated Explicit).

09:09  IT IS POETRY

14:44  Being Nice = Flirting; I could write a whole blog post about how many dudes had crushes on me when I was younger because I was always so nice... No, I promise. I was not flirting

21:04  Oh the awkward pausing and squeaking voice when I'm talking about sex, even beautifully written sex.

23:13 CONSENT IS SEXY

24:26  Just realized the parallels of the world we currently live in and how it is coming to light, for many men, about why women don't speak out, get help, confront the badness they deal with on a regular basis.  This shit is deep.

26:30  Did anyone else's brain go there? "A lot of meat on this bone...."

29:55  I should clear this up, since y'all know that I've been a fic writer for a while now. I'm speaking specifically about writing Wynonna Earp Fan Fiction and shipping of Wayhaught. As I had resisted from reading Earp Fiction (finally getting sucked in by this Mature rated fic), I had resisted from getting even more involved by starting to write. I had enough shit to do already, plus unfinished Willow/Tara fics. I just didn't have time to get started with more ideas that would never come to fruition.  Then I had a terrible idea. I presented my idea to DW and she felt it was not something she could write. I had no intention of writing it ever and considered pawning the idea off on a writer who could pull it off.  Less than a week later Tigerlo wrote this (also rated E). And I was inspired. What had started as a terrible idea actually began to turn into something wonderful and beautiful. And maybe someday I'll finish it and post it.

36:20  I'm still doing my Tumblr wrong, and this month will be full of selfies

38:54  I'm glad I didn't discover fan fiction when I was in college. I did discover it during my postgrad at Uni, and I barely survived.

41:14  There is something about a 6 hour drive on a fairly empty highway, music blasted and singing along, that is conducive to sorting out fic ideas or getting unstuck. If I'm lucky I'll have it sorted enough that when I do open my notebook or document later I can start off of what I built during my drive. I'm not often lucky.

49:45 I am a terrible fic abandoner. Some I don't think I will ever get back to. Too much time has passed and the moment is gone. But I agree with Tigerlo, there is something about posting multichapters as they come and getting to the end and going "crap!" it would have worked better for the ending if I had made this small change. So you either change the earlier chapter and hope people don't get mad, ignore the difference in continuity and hope people don't get mad or you change your brilliant idea to stay within the groundwork you've already lain.

01:02:52 Is it awkward that I'm telling complete strangers I love them? Who cares. I LOVE YOU ALL!

Notes: This was one where I actually took my notes down on my cellphone note app. I checked to see if there was anything that I missed and I wanted to mention. It took me a while to find it.

Now we did talk about Tigerlo's Tumblr, and what I as squealing about is her posts when she provides previews of her work before it is published to AO3. In this case, I made a note about the bandage scene in Waverly's Season 1 piece "inside, an echo" I had seen on Tumblr.  I was tempted to go hunt it down and link it, but I am defnitely done for the night!

Good night everyone.

Episode 2 - History

Episode 3 has already aired, so its time for me to give a look back at Episode 2!

Now the plan (no guarantees here, just a plan) is that sometime during the week that an episode airs and before the next one does, I will do my re-listen, thoughts, what I missed, etc.  So I'm still behind, maybe I will always be behind. Who Knows? Hopefully, it will be fun and you all will enjoy it immensely.

And to mention Episode 1 again, I would like to encourage some more audience participation?  I wouldn't mind hearing more Mixtape Stories.



~00:56 It is still strange to hear my voice. Amazing how it sounds so different in my head. But then there is the other side, getting to hear DarkWiccan. We've been friends for a year, regularly messaging each other back and for. And I know when we recorded the 1st one it was so bizarre to hear her voice.

~03:46 Seriously guys, I am terrible at editing because I'm the type of writer who does not first draft very well. So writing goes slow as I agonize over wording. And when I review what I've written my brain autocorrects and I just don't catch stuff.

~08:33 When I came out to my parents, my mother said "I've been dreading this day." So they saw it coming, but were not ready for it. They got better. I consider my coming out story a generally positive one.

~10:06 I used to think some of my extended family was super white trash... then I met some of my wife's extended family members....

~11:55 I forgot the Actual part when speaking but..... screenshot as promised

~17:20 When I signed up I was totally okay with being the bumbling sidekick. And I was still fairly nervous and require some prompting from DarkWiccan.

~19:07 Have we gotten comment from Smurf yet about our chanting?

~20:30 Thanks DarkWiccan for aging us. I know we already discussed we were old fogies, but Bob Newhart... reallly?

~26:00 Refer to this tweet about this. Side note: this was the first thing we actually recorded and I was totally nervous and scared.

~34:30  I will keep this botany spiral to a minimum, because I'll probably elaborate more on a separate blog post. Hawkweed!

~37:12 Darlene.... Oh Darlene.

~49:43  "Emily forgot to run it by me first." Will always be THE BEST LINE EVER!

~55:41 Waverly's turn to speak (Smurf just posted Chapter 17 the other day. So go read!)

Also, we are on iTunes now, so subscribe and rate! Goodnight folks!

Episode 1 - Mixtape

I'm a little late to my own game? That's standard operating procedure.

But here is the quick and dirty. I am now involved in a podcast. It is called Earp Fiction Addiction. I read a lot of Fan Fiction. I even occasionally write it. And on top of this awesome project I've been super crazy busy with big life changes.  Got it? Good.  Check this out.  I'll be doing a re-listen and typing some thoughts below.



I can't listen to Olly Anna "Write my Story" on my own playlist without getting the urge to listen to the podcast now.

Geez, that is a lot of nervous giggling on my part. I am of the personal belief that DarkWiccan is way more eloquent than I am on a regular basis. I consider myself better on paper.

I still haven't made headway on any fic since I recorded this first podcast.  Keep in mind we record weeks in advance because that is how we do, so it has been a while since I've written anything.  In fact the last time I typed anything of significance, I believe it was on this blog at the 1st of the year.

I apologize for all the background noise. I had not gotten my fancy microphone yet and I was nervous and shuffling papers and smacking the desk.... I get better about it I promise.

I've heard this podcast before, more than once, after DarkWiccan got it all put together, but I just started listening and got lost. I really hope everyone else is getting sucked into it.

I can't even.... Seriously.  Still can't.

So I really was super excited to talk to Pirate and Smurf. I had a different set up than the first segment. First of all, I was trying to record in a more quiet environment so I borrowed a laptop, hid in my room and told everyone to not bother me.  My room is on the edge of the WiFi signal. I tell everyone to get off. I just didn't have the bandwidth to keep up and kept getting kicked off. So I got to say Hi to Pirate and Smurf but I didn't get to ask them the questions.  DarkWiccan did a great job though.

Smurf can't even. It's a thing.

It is just so amazing to hear Smurf and Pirate's own words speaking about the massive alternate universe that is the 80's Mixtape AU.

Last thoughts....

I've recorded 6 (or so) episodes so far and there is always something that I forget or I don't have a chance to get to. In this particular case, I wanted to ask the podcast peeps about Mixtapes.  So I will pose the question to my audience here, and probably on Twitter and Tumblr.  What is your mixtape story? Have you given or received one? Please tell me about it.

I'll start off with mine, which, since I might be a little drunk right now, I'll go into way too much detail than I should, and also would have had time for to mention on a podcast.

I was away at graduate school, studying Botany in Edinburgh Scotland.  I was in the grad dorms, filled specifically with us foreigners not from the UK.  I'm not super social but I did finally start spending time with my flatmates, the other American and the Canadian, and through them I met more people from other parts of the dorm.

And there was one girl I got super close with. I had recently discovered my gayness, but even halfway around the world where I could have started fresh and open, I did not. I'm sure I've mentioned it at one point on my blog, I just overall wasn't dealing with it very well.  But I had found fan fiction and The Kitten Board, and I was coping, sort of.

We talk about lots of stuff, except the part where I think know I'm gay.  I get her to watch Buffy. I had all of the seasons and she'd come to my room and we'd watch them on my laptop. At one point in our friendship she makes me a CD.  Music she thinks I would like.  I had it on repeat. Would sleep to it.

She introduced me to LiveJournal and NaNoWriMo. She is a history major and knows all about Scotland and is learning Gaelic and shows me all the neat stuff at the Museums. She is a Goddess and god damnit I'm totally falling for her.

I know about her undergrad, just as she knows mine.  She went to a Seven Sisters college. She has had her fair share of female friends come out (and come on) to her. I'm sure she had to have suspected. But I stayed quiet and enjoyed my cuddle buddy.

We take a train to Mallaig and stay in a hostel. We ferry to the Isle of Skye, and see Clydesdale's being ridden along the beach and walk through the gardens of Armadale Castle. Back in Mallaig, we find a bench situated up the road overlooking the water and the Isle and watch the sunset as she is curled up against me in the chilly evening air, my arm around her holding her tight. The train ride back I spent drawing a pentagram, so I could show the tattoo artist how I wanted it shaded, because he didn't get it when I tried to explain it. A week before I left, I got the tattoo and ended up just using my drawing.

When school was over and it was time for me to go home, I received a hand written letter before we joined my parents (who came to visit and bring me home) and my classmates out for drinks, and a request to read it after I got home. I believe I had finally come out to her, which she suspected, especially the night I came back to the dorms black out drunk and called her to help me get into my own room, talking about hitting on the cute Czech bartender, who was giving me free drinks.  But back to the letter. She declared that, out of all the women who had taken interest in her, I was the only one she had ever considered. 

I read it in the bathroom that night. I don't know how I managed to get my shit together and go back out and continue the conversation with everyone like my world hadn't just been turned  upside down.

She also gave me one last CD. Translated from Scottish Gaelic it says "Dream of the Stars." She had, like the one before, drawn a cute CD cover and included in the booklet the list of songs.  The letter mentioned a hidden track in this CD, not on the list and somewhere in the middle.

I never did get that kiss.

We sent a few hand written letters back and forth for a while and a few emails. We are still facebook friends but we don't really talk anymore and my wife still refers to her as my "Scottish Girlfriend" even though she is American and her heritage is mostly Italian.

So that is my drunken TMI - Mixtape story.  What's yours?

Let Me Introduce Myself - For the 3rd Time

My attempts to make a name for myself online have ended in a rather epic fizzle. 

I started this blog back in 2009. I can't seem to figure out when Sally started her appearance, I first mention her in 2010. And I started posting as Delayne on The Kitten Board in 2010, adding a new chapter to an old wiccanbotanist fic. I had a good boost in 2012, which was a year that, at it's end, held major career changes for me.

I have a major career change coming up for me this month. And 2017 has been full of major things too, but they are the start of all the things happening for me in 2018.  

For work, I went to California because summers are slow in Idaho. Turns out it was a trial run, and I've gotten a promotion that will send me back to California.  My wife and I will be doing the long distance relationship thing, and in an attempt to distract myself from being super lonely, I will be spending lots of time reading, writing and social media.

Especially social media, because 2017 was the year of the Pocket Friends!  Now, I've been online for a while now and have interacted with some awesome people over the years. Last year, which ended yesterday so it feels really strange to write that, was epic in that I've finally met many of them, face to face.  And even if I had not, I think they would still be the strongest highlight of my 2017, as they have become so dear to me and supportive, and just... The Best.  And I'm excited that I will get to see more of them in the coming year.

I'm also excited about this new up and coming project that my BFF DarkWiccan and I are doing called the Earp Fiction Addiction Podcast. Yes, it is a podcast about Fan Fiction, in particular about fan fiction (mostly posted on AO3) of the Wynonna Earp TV show. No episodes have aired yet, but we have a few recorded and finished on the production room floor, ready for posting later this month. What DarkWiccan has been doing, besides most of the work, is being really active on Twitter, posting fic recommendations and retweeting other people's recs. We have gained many followers who are ready and waiting for our first episode to air. 

tl;dr - Expect to hear (Podcast) and see (Tumblr) more of me in the coming year. Happy New Year!