Prompt Me

I used to do poetry this way. Someone give me something to work with. I've been in a bit of a writing funk due to lots and lots of stress. The good news, our Landlady appeared to be doing the inspection, supposedly not looking for a reason to kick us out, but for what things they can do to fix up the place. So either a) we never complained about anything so they were curious as to why (the fridge being the one exception) or b) we've been there 3 years and this is standard. Either way I told her I had applied for jobs out of town so they'll wait on the painting while we wait until one of them contacts me for a job offer.

In other news, not sure if it is good or not. My girlfriend got an email from someone who is a friend of her biological father, saying he is trying to contact her. Yay, as I would like our future child to know more about his/her heritage (whether or not our kid is biologically related to her, which we've been thinking about me carrying her egg, not sure yet, have to figure out if we can afford that route). All I know is her father is from a nomadic tribe in Nigeria. Not so yay, if he calls saying her grandparents have passed on or are sick (she has spoken with them before). Not so yay, if he doesn't accept our relationship and wants nothing to do with her after trying to find her. Not so yay, if he only wishes to buy her love and not really spend time to get to know her (and possibly his future grandchild). But yay if he does stay in her life and has the funds to help with her schooling or whatever. As long as my girlfriend is happy and this turns out to be a good thing then I will be happy. But right now it is making me a bit nuts, nervous and excited.

Also I've lost a few pounds and have been working on getting rid of a few more. If I can get my BMI to 25, that will open up a few doors for me including joining the military (although most people have tried to talk me out of this one, but I'd be a) joining the guard and b) hopefully they'd be getting rid of that pesky DADT before or shortly after), or possibly donating eggs (which would help fund an egg transfer, plus I'd be going through the same people).

But back to the writing. Someone give me a prompt. Give me a few items that are required in my story, whether small plot points or physical objects, song lyrics, whatever you want. I will write a short story (or more than one if I get a few good ones) and post it. So let's have it folks...

My Kids (and other issues)

It has been a while since I've checked out the internets. Part of it was because at work I kept bogging down the system watching too much Hulu, or playing games on MSN. Both obviously big no-nos. I purged my facebook of all the stupid little games I became obsessed about, with the exception of Treasure Madness because I don't need to feed anything or collect money to get anywhere. I can play it when I want (and also when it works because sometimes I just can't get into it).

But I read over at Pretty Witty And... about how cats are people too (or not, depending on who you side with). I wanted to take a moment to talk about my kids. Brodie and Gaia. They may be dogs but they are our kids. And I was a bad mother the other night and almost lost Gaia. Because she is deaf I need to keep a better eye on her. So letting her out of the car with deer nearby was not smart and she took off... and I couldn't yell for her to come back. It scared me. She made her way back to the neighbors though where I found her after circling the block.

I've been super stressed. Financially we are struggling, as usual. Wanting to give people things or do things or visit people for the holidays doesn't help. And then we get guilt tripped into feeling bad. But I still need brakes on my car (I really shouldn't be even driving to work they are that bad) and my landlady was making threats when I paid the other half of rent later in the month. Said she was going to do an inspection. Was she bluffing? She hasn't called yet. But the house has been cleaned, top to bottom. My tub is white again. She won't find anything if she is looking for a good excuse to kick us out. Then my girlfriend gets irritated with me because the way I've been cleaning makes her think I'm not worried about the situation. And she also gets irritated with me when I ask her what she wants me to do next. I got a B in my work study in high school okay because I have no initiative. Just tell me what to do and I'll do it. Be very specific please. I should have joined the military.

I still think about that sometimes too. I could join and eventually they'll let me be me and recognize my relationship. But in the meantime we'd at least have extra money. She doesn't think I could do it, and doesn't want me broken down. I'm smart (but weak) I'm not meant for the military supposedly. Of course she'd join even though she is smart because she is also tough. But her flat feet kept her out. I just am looking for something to do that I can enjoy. Or something that is mundane and tedious (and away from a computer) to distract me and make me physically tired so I can sleep well at night instead of my mind being tired from distracting myself with facebook games and hulu. I don't know. I just need something different, or a better attitude. Maybe both.

Sharing in Pictures

You may be following my blog and my tweets. You may even have friended me on facebook. But how much do we really know about each other? Not much. Okay you've read my "coming out to myself story" and read 20 things about me. But know know me? Probably not. And as pointed out by surfxracer it is easy to be honest when "no one that I've physically met reads this."

I have pointed a few friends towards this site (mostly so they could pass it on, especially Lez and the Country, to other lesbians they know) but I really don't think they stop by. At least they haven't told me yet. Also I don't even know if those who were sent by my friends have stopped by.

But I've been in the sharing mood and felt the need add some visualizations to this sharing. I just read over at Lisa and Laura Write that it is Tell the Truth Tuesday. So this kind of works...

This is my baby girl Gaia. She is deaf but has bright blue eyes that see other things that no one else can see, which causes her to bark and scare the hell out of me. She knows hand signals pretty well. I have been a bad mother and haven't gotten her fixed yet. Made even worse by the fact that her father lives with us as well and he isn't fixed either.

This is what she looked like as a puppy. She is one year old this month.

I have travelled the world. The picture I've decided to post is me at the top of Caana at Caracol a large Mayan site in what is now Belize. That was one helluva climb. I had to get a picture to prove I made it to the top.

Yes that is a PEZ shirt.

So there you go. Now you know more randomness about me. And I'm off to work on getting some of Sally's story posted today.

10 More Things

This is for you Dar, 10 things I like about myself...

Feel free to do this yourself. It is a fun exercise.

1. I'm smart. Like hella smart. Seriously.

2. My moments of wit are brilliant, funny and well timed.

3. I give people a chance. There is a story with this one. Back in high school when I was dating this boy who was much older (it didn't work out when I wouldn't sleep with him) and there was this girl I barely knew making very rude comments about me (such as what a little slut I was) unknowingly to my own Mother. By our senior year, we were good friends (and unfortunately because of her often poor attitude I was one of very few friends of hers).

4. I don't judge. Granted I used to, and may occasionally struggle with it (but I'm human right?), but it certainly is in check.

5. I am patient. Another story for this one. This time back in college I had two friends come to visit me and as we were readying ourselves for a night out I was getting frustrated with my contacts or my hair.. Or something. One friend commented to the other "I thought you said she was patient." "Only with everyone else." Okay so being impatient with myself could be considered a bad thing but I'm not dwelling on that here. I'm making a comment that a friend of mine told another friend, who hadn't seen me in a long time, about how patient I was.

6. I'm caring. Go ahead and ask my girlfriend all that I do for her. Actually ask any of my friends and family.

7. I even help out strangers. More so when my girlfriend is around because she is worse than I am. We had picked up this lady last Christmas while in the city and took her shopping to get diapers and stuff for her kids. We always have food in the car and whenever there is a person with a sign we'll give them some food.

8. I love animals. I think I love them more than people sometimes. I wish I could go to the pound and take them all home.

9. I love learning and love it when others learn. I've considered going back to school to be a teacher. I think I'd be a good one.

10. I am an activist. I actually have always been one. Even when my self esteem has been the lowest (high school anyone?) I was always there for the other girls who were even worse off than I was. I like helping people, and by being an activist (whether it gay, or environmental or whatever) I am doing what I can to make the world better. I especially want to make the world better for young girls with low selfesteem and gay kids who have it even worse off sometimes, so they don't have to go through what I did. And who can say anything bad about that?

So there you go folks. Go ahead tell me at least one thing you like about yourself...

Honest Scrap

Honest Scrap - Holy Crap!
I won an award.
This was sent my way from The Lesser Key and I couldn't be happier. It made my day. I've visited many blogs and seen their little awards on the sidebar and wondered if some day I might have a few of my own. Well this is a start. And it is a cool idea.

So how it works is I have to send this award on to 10 more people who've had some real honest moments in their blog (or that is my interpretation) and as my acceptance speech is give "10 Things about Myself. Which makes me think about my favorite Movie “10 Things I Hate About You” which quickly slipped into “10 things I hate about myself”.

1. I have low self esteem. See, what I said above, quickly slipped into 10 things I hate about myself. No joke. It is a serious problem. I’ve always had it.

2. Not only do I love that movie (Julia Styles anyone? *wink wink nudge nudge*) but I’ve also enjoyed the hell out of the show. Which I was worried when I first saw it was going to come out that it would be horrible without Julia and Heath who totally made the movie. They changed around the idea though (moved it from Seattle to California) and the kids were the ones that moved and not the geeky guy. But I love it anyway. They even kept the father.

3. I had to watch the series on Hulu because my girlfriend doesn’t like very much of the stuff I like (romantic comedies, and all around cheesy girly kinds of things). But I also like the stuff she likes so it works out (like History Channel, and Spike [UFC anyone?]).

4. I crashed the computer system at work, using up all the bandwidth because I was watching Hulu. I was catching up on FlashForward.

5. The only reason I started watching FlashForward was because there was a lesbian character in it that I learned about on AfterEllen. I missed the first few episodes (that were no longer on Hulu) but had plenty to catch up on.

6. The only reason my girlfriend started watching House is because while flipping through the channels she paused when there was a sex scene between two women. It was Thirteen. Then she started enjoyed House’s character because he is an asshole… So is my girlfriend. They would get along.

7. I like supporting family. Doesn’t matter if they are characters or real people. I’m all about the Pride. I’m not a in your face flag waver, but I don’t lie when asked (ever been in a room full of cowboys and girls and get asked if you are married, because they notice your ring, and you answer “sort of” and then further explain yourself)?

8. I recently discovered OTEP was amongst them (also because of AfterEllen). My girlfriend loves that band. I didn’t care much for them at first. Too hardcore and loud (she likes to listen to it loud). But then I heard Perfectly Flawed and loved it (if you couldn’t guess it is one of their softer songs). But then I learned she is family and now I’m a huge Otep fan. It isn’t just because she is gay, but listen to the lyrics, she is amazing with words. I’ll give you a sample (I was actually contemplating writing up a post about this earlier today before I learned of my award).
This is from the latest album Smash the Control Machine. The song is Numb & Dumb.

I took his wife into my mouth
Like a slice of wedding cake
I went back for extra helpings
& then I clean my plate

Still covered in her yolk
The wet drug of my addiction
I'm nature's little criminal
A selfish crucifixion

And yes that part of the song is totally gay and that is probably why I love it so much. Also they do a good cover of Breed by Nirvana on The Ascension album. And very political, anti-war… Overall amazing, check it out.

9. My girlfriend is not an activist. It gets to me sometimes. She hates gay bars and doesn’t believe in Pride parades. She just wants to be left alone. I try and tell her that until we are accepted we need these things. And they won’t leave us alone until then (or until a good while after then, as we still obviously have problems with racism and how long were those civil rights earned?)

10. I like things to flow. Did you notice my list? They kind of lead into each other… For the most part. Call it OCD. There are actually a few more things I could stick in there, but it didn’t quite work with the flow, I’d have to jump back to earlier points in the list and I didn’t like that idea (even though #9 fits better after #7, but I wanted to make #8 so I didn’t have to do another post later).

So time to pass on the award. I might not make it to 10… We’ll see how it goes. Hopefully I've already placed these blogs in a read-these and you will already have checked them out.

In alphabetical order

7 senses

Femme Fairy Godmother

Ms. Karen's Blog

On My Route

On The Surface

Two Moms with a Plan

And especially to Dawg at Dyked Out whose blog is now closed for repairs, closed to those not invited. Since I’m not one of those invited, and you probably won’t be either I won’t bother putting down the link. But her brutal honesty in a recent post was brave and I commend her for it. I however think that her honesty is the reason she is taking a break from the blogging world. I guess the lesson learned is that you can be too honest. There are just some things you don’t need to tell strangers. But for me there are some things that are easier to tell strangers. Thanks for listening.

Ranting

A lot of stuff has been getting to me recently, so I'm taking this opportunity to bitch. There won't be anything of substance (at least in terms of the actual purpose of this blog).

#1. Just read on VP about Opposite Marriage banned in Texas and I clicked on the CBS link there. And then I read the comments. Us "liburals" better watch out... conservatism is making its way back! Homos better be glad we don't do to them what the do in "muslum" countries. Only they didn't say it as well as I did (at least that first sentence). And when a "libural" calls them out on their grammar and spelling, they lash back... Us "elitist liburals" (I'm looking for that comment now but can't seem to find it anymore) need to talk like regular Americans (or something like that... damn wish I could find that comment!). I'm sorry but all I can think is speaking (and writing) well makes a much more effective argument. It is difficult to listen to such nonsense when you can't even read it.

#2. Watching Rachel Maddow the other night and the recent thing with the Stupak Amendment, my girlfriend and I got into a discussion. I've gotten into this discussion with many people over the years. Most people I know believe (and I used to think the same way) that if you are responsible enough to have sex then you are responsible enough to have a child. Plain and simple (with the health and rape exceptions of course). I was naive back then. But I think that was due to my subconscious knowing that I wasn't interested in having sex with men, so I would never have the problem. But in coming to understand myself, feminism, and especially the rights we have (or don't sometimes) as Americans I changed my mind. I am seriously Pro-Choice. There should not be anything in the law books that takes away the option for women. Why? It isn't because I believe everyone should just be going out and getting abortions willy-nilly. It is because only the woman making that choice is the one who has to deal with it. I'm not saying that churches can't continue their effort to get people to not have abortions. They should, I'm all about education. But I just wish that they would also educate people about safe sex and protection. Doesn't that make sense? If you don't want people having abortions, then let people prevent getting pregnant in the first place. We all know abstinence before marriage doesn't work. It is about options... and therefore Choice.

#3. Choice is really what it is all about in America. Some people still believe that people choose to be gay. That isn't the choice... The choice is whether to be themselves or not. I wish I had the choice to be myself in public and give my girlfriend a quick kiss before we depart. My girlfriend wishes we didn't have to have gay bars and pride parades (she borders on assimilationist which irks me sometimes), but we do because we don't have the choice to go into regular bars and worry that if we hit on the wrong person they won't take it as a compliment, instead they'll hog tie us behind their pickup trucks and drag us down the street.

#4. Republicans in general. Last time I took government, which I know was a while ago, but I understood it as Republicans believe in less government (and therefore state controlled) and Democrats believe in federal government (and states being more or less even in laws and rules). So why is it always Republicans who want a *federal* ban on abortion and gay marriage? Why was Obama (when running for pres) talking about gay marriage being a state decision? I just don't understand.

Well I think I'm running out of steam right now. But I feel a little better getting some stuff off my chest, and finally posting something, even if it isn't really relevant.

So feel free to post comments, thoughts. Am I crazy? Is there something wrong with me? I wouldn't mind more audience participation, so please share....

NaNo Expectations

I believe my posted word count at the moment is around 3300. Keeping in mind that Sunday is the halfway point and therefor I should be closer to 25000. That is a large gap for me to cover over the weekend. But considering it is snowing out and I get paid this weekend, my girlfriend will probably want to go somewhere to play in it. I tend to drive as it is my vehicle. I cannot write and drive.

There are a few things to account for such a low number that I feel the need to make clear. I write in a notebook. I even bought a new one just for the occasion. We actually got a Week Two Pep Talk encouraging NaNo-ers to break away from the keyboard and really experience their writing. There are perks as well, computers make it too easy (and hard to resist the urge) of looking it back over and trying to "fix" stuff. Partly why I write in a notebook is because when I transfer it from print to type it is just my first step of editing. I find it works wonders. But as I type up what I've written so far, I've been very good at not subtracting anything.

Where was I going with this?

Right, so this whole NaNo experience... I'll be truthful. I am not expecting to make it to 50K. If I do, great, but I'm trying to be realistic. I'm in it more for the experience (at least this first time around) than I am "in it to win it". But I thought I would provide you all with very important lessons I've learned so far.

It is called a rough draft for a reason
Seriously don't worry about every little green or red squiggle (actually I type mine up in Google Docs so I don't get squiggles). Don't get stuck if you don't even like what you've written so far. Get over it. Release that anxiety. Just write, you can fix it later, write it better or whatever. Just save it for later...

You don't have to write the story in order
I bought that stupid notebook and now I find myself scribbling on other pieces of paper because it is a later scene that was more prominent in my head and I wanted to get it down. At least I realized that I could do this instead of being stuck on a scene that I don't much care for but wouldn't have gotten anywhere else until I finished it (I speak from experience). Also next time I'll get a 3-ring notebook and some old fashioned college ruled. That way I can move pages around...

But most importantly... I should have tried NaNo earlier when I was single
Girlfriends and Puppy Dogs require a lot of attention. As I sit down to write, I'm needed for something. I get up and do it. I often don't get back to my notebook. This is partly why I'm having realistic expectations. I don't have a whole lot of time to myself and sometimes when I do, I don't want to do anything.

So it isn't that I'm not trying. I'm greatful for this experience and it will help me to become a better writer. Isn't that the point? 'Nuff said.

Good Vibes and Karma (and maybe a Kindle)

In another effort to procrast my NaNo, and to spread the love I'm writing up something you should all know about. See I've been trying to be a better writer by being a better reader (slash listener) and reaching out. Not only is it good to reach out because there are those (who like me) love to see comments and responses, but it is also good PR. And if I wish to have more followers and comments I need to participate in the community more. It's a full circle kind of thing, just go with it...

I've seen this happen on a few blogs. They are contests. Followers get an entry, writing a comment gets another, and blogging about it on your own blog gets the third. I like this idea. I may try it someday when I have something totally awesome to give away.

But for now you should go check out Lisa and Laura Write: Spread the Love, Win a Kindle. And those two lucky sisters (who can also be referred to as LiLa) are going to be published in 2011 by Sourcebooks for their novel - The Haunting of Pemberly Brown. It's a YA mystery, which works because this supposed kindle that is up for offering is a mysterious kindle. I followed some of the other links and read about the book. I might not be a young adult anymore but I certainly will be on the lookout in Spring '11 for this...

Also the blog is fairly entertaining totally awesomeness...

Saving Books

I'm a bit behind in my NaNoWriMo, I should be around 5K words but only 1500. I've only written one day, is why. Yesterday I found myself at the library. I felt I needed more research. But while searching for some research, I found another book. I had recently read about it on afterellen.com in an older post under the "Across the Page." I was there trying to remember some authors I should check out for general lesbian fiction (as the fantasy/sci-fi genre for lesbian and gay fiction, while it does exsist, is a bit harder to find, at least for me). Plus I'm always a fan of the classics.

So while searching through the fiction section, I happened to see the book title "Patience and Sarah." It rang a bell so I pulled it out. Sure enough I had seen a similiar cover recently on "Across the Page." I brought it to the counter. The librarian opened it, turned it around on all its sides and goes, "You just saved a book." Apparently, if her boss had found it, would have tossed it as it wasn't barcoded and tagged in the new system. I feel good about saving it, though I doubt anyone will find it and read it willingly. And if so by mistakingly, perhaps a younger person, if found by their parents will have it taken away and brought back to the library and demand it be burned. So I'll admit, I am currently living in Hicksville (Similar to Sally's, but not where I live exactly), which I'm trying like hell to get away from, but so far no one has even nibbled on my resume.

That reminds me, I need to check on one I submitted, it would allow me a maximum of 4 months off each year which I would love to devote to writing. Send your positive thoughts and good luck. I'll finish Patience and Sarah (almost did last night) and get back to my NaNoWriMo, as I have another library book coming in on loan, but this one is actually useful and research... I swear!

I'm Going To Do It

Do ya'll know that November is National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo). And I'm going to participate. You should too, and be my buddy!

So that probably means that Sally will be on another break again, as I put a lot of time and effort into my fantasy novel, the one that has inspired me to start writing again in the first place which then prompted me to practice my writing skills with Sally. See so it's all important and connected.

Here is my NaNo profile: click me! and that is it for now. I promise I've got Sally mostly mapped out from here I just got to find the time to get it typed up and posted. But that is stressful so instead I'm going to push myself to be crazy and get 50K words about a world I have created and I'm a bit scared! Here goes nothing!

Coming Out To Yourself

Okay I keep reading more and I'm just going to post this. The plan was to post it for National Coming Out Day (the 11th of this month folks). But I can't wait. Because two of the Read-These I was going to post today have written about it as well. So here goes.

Thank you Two Moms with a Plan for inspiring this. And Thanks to Femme Fairy Godmother who wrote her story too.

Everyone old enough remembers the "Puppy Episode" of Ellen right? When was that? I googled it 1997. I could have sworn it was earlier. I would have been 16-17. Like I said, seems like I was younger, that or I've just gotten too old already. But back to my point. I remember watching the episode. I remember wondering if I too were like her. I dismissed it however and I was merely a tomboy... A nerdy tomboy.

In high school my friends and I were fun people. We did funny things. Somehow the joke became that I was married to my friend Natalie and our little youngin Andrea (she was two years younger than us) was our adopted love child. In a way that is how our strange triangle worked. We were partners in crime and we had both taken little Andi under our wing. Of course it isn't fun without some drama, so Natalie left me for a man and little Andi had to deal with her Moms being divorced and fighting over her. That is how it went. We thought it was funny. I always thought it hit a little close to home. I never really dated, though there was this one guy I hung out with a lot. Most people assumed we were dating, because we went to Prom and all that. Then the joke became that I got married to him. He was nice enough sure, and would have made a great husband (he really would have done anything for me). I would have travelled the world as an Army Wife. But I just couldn't do it. Didn't know why, just knew that it wasn't there.

Then I got to college. I made new friends. There were a few boys who I thought were cute. And I'll admit now I saw a few girls I thought were cute too. I was (inwardly) going through the "I must be bi" phase. This is apparently a common transition for many lesbians. But like I said, it was inward, almost to the point where I wouldn't even admit it. I never did anything to show my interest in girls. It was too risky. I had made a joke with my Mom about my friend from highschool and the reason why we were going to be roommates (we weren't though, but that would have been strange because she was the girl who stole my boyfriend when I was 15). She kind of freaked. My actual roommate made a joke in front of my brother, he freaked too. I took this as a sign. They didn't respond well to jokes, how would they respond to the real thing?

I kept all signs and thoughts hidden. But I should have known. I'd come home during the holidays or extended weekends and my mother would inform me who'd call (as they'd expect I'd be in the area). She'd always list the boys first. Mike and Kurt. "Uh huh, that's nice mom." Then she'd tell me Andi had called. I'd drop whatever I was doing and head for the phone. That is right, that Andi. My supposed "daughter" and I was feeling all Woody Allen for her. Only I didn't know it yet. It wasn't until she came to college too, not the same one as me, but one right near by. Near enough that I could visit and hang out. And I tried, but she was grown up, unavailable and didn't need me anymore. I didn't see her as often as I would have liked.

So one day I'm thinking about it. Like about the bi part. There are two people that I had crushes on. A guy in my classes, he was real cool, but he had a girlfriend (she was cute, but a bitch). And Andi. At the time I would have taken either. Until I had a dream one night. A very vivid, naked, sweaty hot dream. And I thought about it more. Sure I had a crush on the guy but when it came down to what was going down in the dream... I realized I had no interest. So then it was just down to me in the closet, suffering. And drinking... A lot. And attempting to sleep with guys in an effort to deny my true self. I said attempt, luckily in all the drunkenness it never came to be.

So I left the country. But I didn't take advantage of my new start. Instead I sunk deeper. Staying up all hours of the night devouring fan fiction, particularly enjoying the more adult rated stories, and at the same time realizing my dream to write again like I did when I was younger. Also sleeping during the day and missing my classes. To the point where I was teetering on the edge of pass or fail. I saw a counselor. I said "I'm gay" out loud. But that didn't help because I didn't talk. I even had one more night of drunkenness when I woke up with a bloke in my bed (again only an attempt, too drunk to go through it). And I had finally come out to myself. What a mess I was. I had to see a doctor. I got a prescription to help with my depression and anxiety, especially my anxiety. That gave me another test run for my parents. They took the news of me medicating myself fairly well. My dad just wanted me to be happy. Things started to look up.

So I made it back home. Met some nice girls online, and some crazy ones too. Came out to my parents only 11 days after National Coming Out Day, after going to a gay pride film festival the night before (on a date!) and seeing GirlPlay, the scene with Robin and her Mom was very inspirational. And I've already wrote about that day last year (did I post it here? I don't know... might have to do that) so I'll spare the details.

So please, feel free to share. When did you come out to yourself?

And don't forget to Read These (Summer Edition)
1: Two Moms with a Plan - self explanatory
2: Femme Fairy Godmother - self explanatory
3: Canadian Hope - I won't lie, I have dreams of going off to Canada as well. But these two guys had to go in order to be together, as the US has no provisions for sponsoring citizenship if you can't be "properly" married.

Getting Caught Up

I've written up 3 posts this morning (I'm going to give them a look over and then post them). And I've mapped out all the late posts that need to be up to get me back on track for lezcountry.blogspot.com!

I haven't been working on any other stories, or much of anything at the moment. But the cold is starting to creep in and I'll want to find myself curled up on the couch in a blanket with my notebook and a cup of tea.

And hopefully I'll have a Summer edition (now that it is fall!) of Read-These because there are a few things that I found that I need to share!

Anger

I've got a new iGoogle set up, from which I'm typing this blog. A new month, a renewed sense that I need to get a lot done. Above this box I'm typing in is my horoscope. It tells me that since I haven't been able to get my annoyance out of my system it could build into anger. Ha... perhaps it also has some idea of just how much anger I've got going right now.

My girlfriend calls me to tell me the bill money is missing. Checks to see if I had accidently grabbed it. We check every where of course (the whole house is tore apart). She had come and picked me up for lunch just to have an extra set of eyes. I even cleaned the house last night so if it did get misplaced from when it was seen this morning it should be easy to find.

But there is always more to the story. My girlfriend is what I like to call a "reader." She seriously can read people like they are books. To simplify it, she is pretty sure where it went and who took it. All I can keep focusing on is why do we even bother to make friends? I want to be a hermit. I want to live in a cave. As long as I can access the internet I'd be happy, I'd even take something as slow as dialup. At least I'd find the time to write then huh?

My horoscope also tells me not to project my frustration at others and search for the source of the problem within. But like I said, there is always more to the story. I had a mental breakdown on Friday due to the strain that life in general (or life as it has been in the past year or so) has put on my relationship. Too much stress, too much crap, and even more drama when other people get involved. I seriously need to get away, with my girl, before it gets to the point where she gets away from me and I never see her again.

I've got my brother's wedding coming up soon. My family also puts a lot of strain on my relationship.

Also I have cramps and I just downed a Mtn Dew (which is much different that the usual diet cola's I drink). At least some good thing is coming out of this. I suddenly feel the motiviation to write....

Seriously In Need of Update

Does anyone listen to Gym Class Heroes? My girlfriend bought The Papercut Chronicles and one of my favourites songs is Graduation Day. Go check it out if you haven't heard it yet. Every time I think about what happened recently I think of a line from it. "Karie Ann died in a crash leaving the funeral"....

Well no one died in a crash recently, although I did attempt to kill myself, my girlfriend and her cousin on our way home after her Grandma died so we could pack up and head to the funeral. I'm okay, my girlfriend might need surgery on her arm (she was asleep with her arm out the window got banged up pretty good), it doesn't even look like I hit that damn reflector, and the deer pranced off like nothing happened. Oh and the car wasn't a total loss.. Hopefully it will be taken in sometime today and be spruced up, continuing on the road and continuing to cost me more that I can afford right now. But I did have gap insurance just in case it was a loss. Oh did I also mention I just changed insurance companies.... I'm sure they were happy to take me on with my nice clean record, only to foot a hefty bill with only one payment made.

I'm not much further than I posted before on the lezcountry blog. I've got a few posts written and many thought out but none of it has made it through the keyboard and online yet. Today would have been a good day to get to work on that but I didn't even bring my notebook. I haven't even had time to check blogger that often to catch up on everyone else. Therefor I don't even have any read-these. Although I did find another literary agent blog with some useful info and linking through the company site find an agent that looks at LGBT stuff but isn't accepting anything right now. Which is fine because I don't have anything right now, I've barely been writing.

Well that might be all for now, hopefully I'll get over this lovely hump in my life right now and get back to writing. Thanks for those of you sticking it out and still checking in on me.

Read These - May09

Alrighty. I found a wee bit of time. Let's do this.

First Category: Writing Stuff.

#1 Wylie-Merrick Literary Agency
Useful for many resons. Looking for an agent? I don't feel I'm to that point yet. However, the useful information for those in that stage of getting a book published is still useful for those even further back than I am. I even followed the guy on twitter. I was feeling a bit inspired when I found this blog. Then I got busy....

#2 Editorial Ass
A "recovering editorial assistant" with a wealth full of knowledge and humor. Again, useful information for those hoping to get published.

Second Cateogory: Fun Stuff.

#3 Pretty Witty And...
I mean Props for the name of the blog alone. Ingenious. If you haven't heard about Anne Neczypor yet, google her, watch the clips, download the podcasts (which has unfortunately ended), read her blog! The best blog ever (you know besides mine). She writes too, so this could go in either category.

#4 Dyked Out
Just go read it. Entertaining. Dawg is awesome.

#5 Dogs Against Vick
I found the link as recently posted by Dawg (see #4). Follow, Follow, Follow. If you care about pets at all. Donate if you can (wish I could).

That is all. Oh wait an article to alleviate some of the stresses about this whole California being stupid thing. The Big Gay Shrug.

Where To Even Begin

Yeah sorry I've been so busy lately. I've been slowly working on a post for Lez and the Country but haven't gotten it up yet. I don't like it what I've wrote so far, and now I'm so far along since I've posted before the gap is just too much to handle. I'll figure it out. Hopefully I can get it up before the end of this week. On a side note, and for those of you wanting spoilers... (don't worry it isn't any big one) Sally's birthday is Saturday... See I've been slacking.

I went camping over the Memorial Day Weekend. I've never experienced allergies this bad. I never want to again. The allergy medicine couldn't even touch it.

Hopefully I'll get a ReadThese up too. I haven't read much but there are a few new ones, or ones I just found a day or two before posting last months. Ugh... Sorry, bad post. Laters

-Dee

MyLife

In case anyone was interested, or noticed I added a new label, sometimes I will talk about myself. And that is what I'm doing here, to talk about myself some more.

I mentioned I twitter. Well I just joined Facebook. You can seek me out using my name or my email which is dtburanek (at) gmail, or you know something like that.

I changed my picture, it is actually of me. Only taken about 5 years ago. And from behind. But you know, its better than nothing right?

My girlfriend is spending the week with her mom. I have to deal with three mongrels, one who is going to be very pissed off at me when he realises his mother is taking a long time to get home. He'll think it is my fault.

I'm hoping to plan something nice for her when she comes home (I'll have to go pick her up)... Keeping in mind it will be waiting in the house for a day or two til we both get back. Or something to bring with me. Keeping in mind that I have no money and this trip to get her will likely cut us short. But I'm cleaning up the house and I know that will make her happy. Now if only I can keep it clean when she's home....

Read These - April09

Update First….

So I haven't gotten a whole heck of a lot of writing done. Life has been life, and life is hard sometimes. What should have been an easy summer is going to be a struggle as my girlfriend tries to find a job. A task made more difficult as she thought she'd be getting one in particular and therefore didn't apply to others, until it was too late. Now she is essentially on 4 different "waiting lists" to see if a crew member drops out and/or they find money to hire someone else. We can’t afford to live here anymore and need to move to a place where we can both have jobs, buy a house and start a family. Gotta love wishful thinking. I’m hoping a bribe of potential grandchildren might help convince my parents to help us out. As long as it doesn't involve moving back in with them. We did that for one month before we came here... It was interesting.

Also I’m reading Twitter now, but not really using it myself all that much. I may or may not get into it. Plus I generally use the computer less during the summer, and find myself outdoors more, particularly camping (this probably means a slowing of already slow posts too). I don't have a fancy iPhone or Blackberry to keep up on it though. But I do like to read it, and I’m following many of the people whose blogs I’m also following. I've picked up quite a few since my last post, and they've been great, commenting on my posts, following one or the other site (Sally appreciates it), sometimes both.
So here are a few sites you should check out… Now not all of them are writer based, but they are fun blogs to read. They are in no particular order…

#1 7Senses
Hey Jude! I've been enjoying her posts, especially the dialogue between her and her wife (they are married in Cali, waiting to know if it will stick) and her letters to her wife. Plus she’s my number one commenter over on Lez and the Country.

#2 Life As An Underage Lesbian
If only I had been so profound at this age. Actually her age I’m not entirely sure about but underage means a lot younger then when I dealt with being gay coming out at age 24. Seriously some good topics and questions as well as crushes on celesbrities. Every young gay girl should read this. As well as every old one!

#3 NewBo
Newbo is very good at keeping us updated about her life. From stressing out about Uni to the awesome sex she has with her girlfriend. Seriously there is a post about this but it’s sweet and lovely. I believe NewBo is a combination of New Lesbo... You can read about how she came up with that in an older post.

#4 Out of My Head/On My Route
Out of My Head is Dar's fiction site. She has 5 stories so far and one of them is a Prologue, which means more is coming. Or you can check out On My Route for some regular ole blog type posts. Dar provided some excellent feedback on the one story I've got posted so far!

#5 the lesbiblog
Kandazzle is getting a “little sister” (Big Brothers, Big Sisters), I commend her for that. A Midwestern Lez who I found after an excellent response to a post on #2 of my list.


There are a few more that I've picked up on, but I either just started or they haven't posted in a while. But I'll post another one of these next month as well as hopefully something else too.

Read These - March09

I know I just bitched about not having followers. But that made me realize I'm not doing my part. We are a community that needs to support each other. So I'm reaching out to my sisters in hopes they reach back.

And I want to do more than just create a blogroll on the side of my page. I mean I'll still do that, but I'd like to delve more into what they are about. It is the least I can do. I'll try to do 3-5 at least once a month, depending on how many I add before I decide to post again. If they start finding me then great and they'll be posted quicker.

#1 Online Lesbian Fiction It is a site that has links to lots of fiction, a good portion of them being fan fiction. I had found this from a follower of Lez and the City and submitted my blogs to it. Now at the time I didn't have enough (quantity) to qualify and have not been added yet. I'll be resubmitting soon (for Lez and the Country at least, because I've only got only one story on here presently). I'm sure many links I find will often be found through there so if you want to get a head start from me then check that out.

#2 Blondi's Website (Blondi's Writing Works) and Blog (Rainbow Reflections) The website hosts original fiction, fan fiction (Xena) and poetry and has many great links. The blog is a lot less story and a lot more activism, and I'm always a fan of activism. But both overall good reads.

#3 Lez and the City Okay so this might have already been mentioned a few times but I figured I'd post the link here. It is a fictional blog written by the character Louise and was the inspiration for Sally to write Lez and the Country. Go check it out please.

Also I'm using the wonderfulness of labels, you can find this and future web/blogrolls under the label "read-these" just as you can can skip all the extra crap and go right to my stories under "story"... So go do that.

Torn

"Nothing's fine, I'm torn; I'm all out of faith; This is how I feel; I'm cold and I am shamed; Lying naked on the floor."

Forgive me for that, but when I wrote in the title that popped into my head. I figured I'd share it.

I've quite possibly over-extended myself again. I've got a few different posts for Sally; one about her night out on the town and one about her day playing softball. This also includes an actual short story, told in 3rd person on that day out in the field because the blog is really a tool, a practice if you will, in really getting inside my character's head. If the story is good it should translate well into a story page and if I gather up enough I could get a book out of it. That is if people would buy it. Which I'm doubtful at the moment as I have no followers on here and only 3 on Sally's blog, which includes myself and my writing helper/online friend who I stole the idea from (with her permission).

I'm also working on a short story. I was inspired when rating articles at Helium under the Short Story: Writing topic. And it amazes me how few short stories are actually in there, most of them are written like memoirs or testimonies, and some of them out right say they are a true story. So with a little unfinished blip of a piece I wrote years ago, a story just took off. Now the thing about my short stories is they usually start a little too close to home. But I really REALLY don't want to be a Jenny Schecter so they usually evolve, leaving the true story behind as merely an inspiration. I've recently invited friends and family members into my Helium which will inevitably lead them here. Hopefully they won't see any of the little tiny details that remain true to myself, but will see them entirely as works of fiction. Writers should write what they know. It becomes fiction when you leave a significant amount of that behind. Where that line is exactly is left up to the individual though. I can only send it out and hope it gets perceived how I wish.

So not only am I torn between the many different things I'd like to be working on, and torn about letting people I know read what I wrote, I'm also torn between censoring myself or not. See this short story I've already been forced to because you can't swear. But I know how people rate and if it isn't in the debate channel where you only compares ones on the side you are on then if you write something they don't agree with they could very well rate it poorly. They should be rated on how well they were written as well as appropriate to the topic content (example; writing about a dog breed in the Autos topic should be taken down). But if my character just happens to get a phone call from her girlfriend... Well I can just see it being rated lower merely for that and not because I didn't dot an I or crossed a T. If I see an article using i instead of I, I check the other one to make sure they haven't done some glaring mistake and rate that one better. Wouldn't matter the subject matter.

Oh and as for Helium, if you do wish to join, let me know (emailing me with the email address you wish to use) and I'll send an invite which gives me bonuses. I recently wrote some stuff to the marketplace now that I have 2 stars. As for the creative writing memoirs competition, well I'm currently in 10th and yesterday was as low as 13th. So much for making money that way. But it is proof that I write better if I write fiction.

Not My Fault

I had entered a creative writing contest over at Helium. Out of 20 articles I submitted 15. A rather enormous undertaking for myself especially considering I was writing about myself. The contest was about memoirs, from learning to tie your shoe to your first kiss. Imagine my elation just as the competition was ending the submittal deadline finding myself in 2nd. Now the final calculations are going on and I find myself in 7th, imagine the puncture in that balloon.

But I found relief. Turns out it’s not my fault. Well not all my fault. I guess my inspiration wasn’t with me as I cranked out a few of those. Or maybe my life in general wasn’t as fun or interesting as the other competitors. Maybe I was too quick to post them and didn’t really give them a look over. Maybe I really should just stick to fiction or debates since I’ve done better on them.

Either way watch this video and you’ll understand what I mean by it’s not my fault. Of course if I would have gotten 1st and $25 then I couldn’t take all the credit either…



Either way with the sheer amount of articles I’ve at least gotten a Creative Writing Bronze Badge out of it. Plus I’ve been super inspired and have made many strides with my fictional character Sally. And the video has made me be at peace with my ranking on Helium and also has eased the fear of the daunting task (hint: never use daunting on a helium article I’ve read) that is my fantasy novel. But if you wish to read my memoirs you can find them on Helium and hopefully I’ll have something new to post soon.

Helium

I just published my story Mother's Intution on Helium under the Short Stories: Homosexuality title. So check me out on Helium!

Mother's Intution

Virginia gave the sauce a quick stir then brought the wooden spoon to her mouth. It was possibly the best yet in all her 58 years. The large pot seemed to grow ever larger on the stovetop as she stared. It had been over 4 years since she’d consistently made a meal for more than 2 people. Two people who had certainly eaten a lot less in their advancing years.

When the kids came over that was just more of a reminder of how the clock hands keep turning no matter how hard you wish them to pause or even go backwards for just a moment. They were no longer learning how to read, do math or ride bikes. They were even way past the first time their father sat in the passenger seat of the family station wagon, a vehicle that has since been traded in for a smaller more efficient model, with a white-knuckled grip on the door handle.

The eldest of the four, finally married but no plans for grandchildren yet. The second one, he wouldn’t be able to make it to dinner tonight, being deployed to the other side of the world. The third one, after floating about for a couple of years, finally got his act together and is attending a technical school. And the youngest, her little baby girl she hoped so desperately for, well she just graduated college.

Virginia was astonished when she first learned Melanie had actually gotten a job and an apartment close to home, after spending 5 years in college in California no less. She always figured her daughter would never come back. The one she wanted the most had always been expected to be the one she’d see the least. But Virginia saw more of her daughter than her boys and usually more often than just the first Wednesday every month family dinner night. She was also always early for those dinner nights.

So when Virginia heard the front door open she made no moves just continued stirring.

“Hi Mom!”

Virginia gave her daughter a hug, leaving the spaghetti sauce in the pot unattended.

“Hi dear.”

Melanie took an opportunity, while her Mother moved back towards the counter, to grab the wooden spoon and stick it in her mouth.

“Hey get out of that!”
“This is missing something…”
“Since when did you become a food critic, Miss Ramen noodles?”

Melanie positioned herself on her usual barstool up against the counter facing the kitchen. She thought briefly this is where her parents would eat if they didn’t already plant themselves in front of the TV.

“Hey now, you know I eat better than I did in college.” Virginia just gave her a look. “Okay, I’ll clarify. Just because when I cook it comes from a box, doesn’t mean I can’t understand food. Trish is an excellent cook, and that is why she usually does it.”

Melanie made it a point to mention Trisha to her mother and had pretty much always done so since the two had met in junior high. It wasn’t so pointed or purposeful at first, she had always just had a reason to mention her best friend. Lately though it was very purposeful. She didn’t have to stretch for a reason though, the two were roommates after all.

Virginia knows Trisha. She remembers her daughter coming home one day from the 8th grade talking about her and she hasn’t stopped since. How agonizing it was when she became a freshman in high school and then in college for her best friend was a year behind her. No surprise either when Melanie decided to stay a 5th year to tack on a minor to her degree. But when her daughter said she had gotten a job and was headed back near home that was a shocker. However, it wasn’t a surprise that Trisha was too and the two of them had moved in together.

Virginia decided to continue their conversation. “How’s Trisha?”

Despite Melanie’s propensity to recite volumes about her friend the question always invoked the same response. “Fine.”

This response was similar to any question about any one’s well being or other status, especially when it came to Melanie. Virginia could not break with tradition though.

“And you… How are you?”
“Good.”
“How’s work going?”
“The usual.”

It was like pulling teeth to get Melanie to open up. But Virginia, as a mother, had her ways. Part of it was mother’s intuition, the rest of it merely just keeping her eyes and ears open for when Melanie did speak. All Virginia had to do was change the subject.

“So I talked to your brother the other day,” Virginia said, knowing she didn’t have to clarify which one.

“I know… he called me after that.” Melanie talked to her brother more than she talked to her mother. It was constant communication, email, phone, even snail mail. They were very close and had always shared each other’s secrets.

So Melanie steeled herself waiting to hear a repeat of everything she and her brother had talked about, an irritation but one she was used to.

But the barrage did not come. Instead, Virginia stopped silent, for once her turn to be unspoken. Focusing back on to the food, she grabbed a bottle of seasoning, twisted off the cap and began shaking it into the pot.

“I wasn’t done yet, give it 5 minutes and taste it again.”

It was this silence that had been waiting patiently all these years. There had been particularly spectacular instances before perfect for the moment to speak the truth, but they passed. But today, being the day before it began, the day before the arguments would be heard to determine whether or not Melanie’s heart would get broken again, or mended fully from the heartbreak in November.

Was Melanie really going to do it, or let it slip away? She could have mentioned it when she and Trish got back from their summer vacation in California, to visit their college buddies and attend a wedding. She could have mentioned it in November after they got back from California, another vacation but not a happy one. They spent most of that time on streets with signs. But instead she just kept moving her ring to the right hand when she pulled into the driveway. It felt uncomfortable there.

Virginia faced the stove, waiting. If Melanie didn’t do it soon, she was going to. She glanced at her daughter. It made her sad to see her baby girl so conflicted. As Melanie began playing with her ring on her right hand again, Virginia knew exactly what to do.

Melanie was so lost in thought she didn’t realize she was playing with her ring and had only just noticed her mother leaving the room. Lost again, this time in bewilderment, Melanie almost jumped out of her seat when her mother reappeared again.

“I have something for you. Now this is something very important and you must promise me you will use it wisely.” Melanie nodded, still confused. “It has been through a couple generations and it needs to be passed on now. I had originally figured it would be used a little differently, but I got over that a long time ago.”

Virginia held a closed fist out and slowly opened it. It was a simple gold ring with a quarter carat round cut diamond.

Melanie reached for it and looked it over. Gold wasn’t really her color. Her current ring was white gold, with three tiny slivers of diamond inset. Then her mother’s words reached her.

“Use it?”

Virginia started to turn back to the stove top.

“That means give it to your wife dear.”

Flabbergasted all Melanie could utter was, “Really?”

Virginia lifted the sauce spoon and tasted it. Just right.

“Really.” She stated matter-of-factly. Virginia glanced back at Melanie still sitting on the barstool completely dumbstruck. “Oh and next time you talk to your brother, I’m sure you’ll find a way of letting him know I need to talk to him once Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is repealed.”

The End

First Post

Sorry I don't have a story to post. But I'm currently working on one. I may post some really really old stuff that I wrote when I was younger, you know to embarass myself. That will come later. I welcome comments, especially constructive ones.